


You, With Wings of an Angel

by straightouttapopstar



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Kamui's really gay, M/M, Niles is the hero that Kamui needs, Slow Burn, enemies to friends to lovers sorta??, kamuzero, normal human AU, oh man Niles is wildly gay for Kamui like legit, really gay, side camilena, side leodin, side xanlow, sort of guardian angel au???, tw homophobia ch5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-11-29 20:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 41,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11448789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straightouttapopstar/pseuds/straightouttapopstar
Summary: As a silly college student, Kamui was expecting life to be nothing more than a walk in the park - yet, every single time he becomes stuck between a rock and a hard place, an enigmatic man enters the scene and makes Kamui fall for him more than the boy wants to.





	1. First Meeting: Train

**Author's Note:**

> I'm engaging in kamuzero despite not finishing Fates yet w h o o p s  
> This idea was really random and I'll likely continue it with a chapter or two but that's only if I'll be bothered to write it :'0  
> I love this ship and it deserves the world and my life and my possessions and everything I have ever strived for,,,  
> Kamui is male btw  
> I hope ya'll enjoy and maybe look forward to an another chapter!!!  
> An alternate title of this would be 'I'm a Silly College Student And This Weird Man (Who Is Also Weirdly Attractive) Rescues Me From Life-Threatening Situations Whilst Being Really Handsome About It'

Our first meeting had been on the train.

It was a fleeting moment, nothing more than the feel of his leather coat brushing past my fingers as I reached for the metal rail, clutching my phone in the other. Since morning had blossomed in town, I had been absorbed in a specific article about student loans and had difficulty to let go of it. It felt so engaging, so developed, so amazingly written, my eyes could not leave the page for as much as a glance. It proceeded to talk on a little about the general Vallite educational system, and touched on some of its very disadvantageous properties that no student favoured. As a college student, I marvelled over the sheer quality of description, and wondered deeply about the identity of the writer - he must have been well acquainted with Vallite schools, or he just had a very accurate imagination. All in all, I continued to bury myself inside the little screen, eyeing word after word and taking in the magical feel of the journalist's writing structures.

I never paid attention to the crowd that had been slowly closing in on me on the train, or anything else, for that matter. I hadn't been surprised, as my family had always branded me as terribly clumsy and inattentive. Once I became absorbed in an activity of interest, I wasn't present in the world at all - deaf to everyone and anything else, I concentrated on the task and that task alone. 

Everything else was just trivial.

So, it did come to me as a surprise when a tremor under my feet did slightly shake me back into life - the train had been stopping rapidly every few seconds, its wheels painfully grinding on the rails, and the sound they made rooting itself into my eardrums. Oh, how I wanted to mute the splitting sound - but at the cost of that, I would have to put my phone away and break out of the trance that the article had imposed on me.

Being the silly man I am, I decided to keep the phone in one hand. However, I completely let go of the metal railing, leaving myself exposed in the middle of the train without any support whatsoever if any tremors occur. As my hand slowly slipped away from the cold metal, I self-consciously felt every passenger's eyes on my back, observing my every move and probably thinking, 'how stupid could he possibly be to do that?'

Well, I was a college student, so the word 'stupid' being used to describe me wasn't so far off.

As much as I wanted to get hooked on the article once again, to satisfy the thirst of wanting to read carefully composed content, the ground completely halted under my feet.

It was a mad scramble for the railing before I toppled over. My hand shot forward. The train shook with the force of a meteorite. I was only an inch away, inch away from safety. My heels had been curling towards the back of the train but my body was placing all the weight forward, trying to pull me into a stable position. Suddenly, my fingers brushed against the freezing railing and my heart skipped a beat. I was awfully close to securing myself a safe grip on the railing, so close I could taste the victory on my scorched tongue.

But my hand missed and I found myself falling - falling onto a white-haired gentleman, who had cupped his hands under my head to rescue me from the plummet.

I gently arched my head upwards to inspect the face of the hero who had saved my head from breaking like a porcelain pot, and I was quite shocked to see a dark face of an adult man peering back at me with frightening intensity. His smile seemed sincere, but the more I swiped my eyes over his lips, the more I saw the smile as a rather predatory grin.

"It has only been minutes since our meeting, and you're already falling for me?" - he mused happily - "How brave."

The second the train halted and I had a chance to gather my thoughts, I used my hands to propel myself up on my two legs and finally stand up properly. Deep inside, I wanted to avoid the man who had saved me, as unkind as that was - his aura was very...unsettling, to say the least. He had a very piercing eye the colour of precious aquamarine, the other had been shielded from the world by an eyepatch of some sort - specific stylistic choice, but I did not dwell on it too long. The white disheveled hair on his head presented a stark contrast when it tumbled past his chocolate-coloured face, diverting my eyes to his defined cheekbones. I had never seen a man so rough-looking who also presented himself equally as handsome. Within my escapist and young mind, I could imagine him being one of those bad boys you hear about in local newspapers - the ones that smuggle drugs, ditch school and never listen to their parents whilst dating at least every girl in the local neighbourhood. He was one of those boys who you saw in the darkness of alleyways you would be too terrified to even take a step into, in desire to keep your own skin unscathed - one of those boys you'd see rescuing you out of embarrassing situations, and then tempting you with empty promises and secret dates at midnight. 

Alas, the ringing quality of his quiet cackle woke me up from my wishful fantasy, and I found myself cornered between a glass cover suspended between the train seats and the creepy man. Immediately, I felt heat rising to my cheeks due to the close proximity, and that only seemed to fuel his determination further. I was able to feel his minty breath on my nose, and feel the odour of his cologne slowly enchanting me like a wildflower.

"T-Thank you so much for helping me there. I don't think I would have escaped this situation without cracking my head on the floor if you weren't there."

The man seemed to take in my words, and strangely savour them like the sweetest delicacies.

"It was entirely my pleasure, I can assure you" - he whispered, before affectionately ruffling my hair and stepping out of the train at lightning speed. Fortunately, I dashed out of the train fast enough to catch up to him, but the automatic train doors almost seized the opportunity to chop me in half without a second glance. When my feet touched the train platform, my eyes skimmed over the name of the station - East Nohr. The man seemed to be walking away into the horizon like a figure who was never supposed to meet me at all. Like it wasn't prophesized in the cards for us to cross paths.

"Hello! Mr Stranger!"

The station was quiet - no trains had arrived since the departure of mine, and no other living soul was present on the platform. The announcer had also gone silent, probably lying sound asleep on his desk, not caring about the lack of noise on the station. No cars roared in the distance, no person was kicking pebbles off onto the tracks - it had been a real ghost town. The glowing words of faraway destinations on the enormous countdown screens that hung from the roof of the station had been dim and almost impossible to read in the bright sunrise - but it wasn't like I was planning to depart so quickly anyway. 

"May I know the name of the man who was so kind as to sweep me off of my feet?"

Unpredictably, my daring smile and line had prompted him to stop his stroll and turn his head towards me. Even from a long distance away, his smirk had been obvious and beaming, his only sapphire eye quite shady and tense.

"It's Niles."

I closed my eyes and whispered his name - 'Niles'. In no time at all, that name had been stolen from my lips like forgiven sin and it flew away with the wind, never to come back to me again. When I looked towards the pavement where he had once stood, there was nothing but empty dust and a pristine white feather twisting on the ground.

Promptly, I returned to reading my fascinating article, dismissing the situation as mere luck and coincidence.


	2. Second Meeting: Cafe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter in which Kamui struggles to get through the school day, and then equally fails to keep his wits about him when he encounters the man again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I actually tucked my mouth into a sleeve in order to test out how Kamui's speech would sound like - I'm so extra lmao

Our second meeting had been in a cafe.

Now, you may be thinking, 'isn't that too cliché?' Let me tell you that, it _is_. And that is exactly what made it so wonderful in the first place.

You see, about a week later, I almost completely forgot about the mysterious train station occurrence. It was like a mist that had lifted itself off the grass, exposing a fresh mind free from any unrealistic fantasies. I thought to myself - let's face it. It was probably a wishful dream and not a memory. The man disappeared onto the train tracks? Improbable, unless he wanted to depart prematurely from the living realm. That's why I thought that there was no way in which the previous event could have realistically happened.

Alas, I was about to be proved _wrong_.

It was a peaceful yet near-unconscious Tuesday - after an another late night of reading fascinating articles - or 'timewasters', as one of my brothers liked to call it - I had felt the impact of sleeping too late the next day. Hell, I never thought that two hours spent sprawled on top of the mattress with closed eyes and my brain enclosed in hopeful dreamlands would have done me justice for a full day of study, and unfortunately, I had been correct. The entire day was like a life-long struggle of a believer to reach the utopian corners of Heaven - the only force that pushed me to classes that day was the sheer force of anger alone of my fellow classmates, who haunted the halls and carried me along with them to the next class. I did not play a part in effort, participation, or anything for that matter - my best friend, Silas, had to write down all the notes for me in every period whilst avoiding the suspicious teacher's piercing gaze. I believed that it was sweet of him to do so, and I made a mental note to thank him for that aid later - that is, if I could ever get out of the prison known as Naga Institute.

Tuesday seemed like eternal torture that passed in the blink of an eye - thousands of snores and yawns later, I had run out of the college doors, fully opening my half-asleep eyes to the blinding sun in the sky. Never had I quite appreciated fresh air and the feel of the wind whistling in your ears just as I did then - it was a miracle that I was finally able to pull out my phone from my pocket without risking it being wrestled out of my hands by a teacher assistant and reply 'I'll be there soon' to the likely-impatient Elise.

Promptly, I dashed to the nearest bus stop and boarded the 320B, a bus due for North-west Nohr. The ride had been uneventful - just how I liked it the most - and I proceeded to entrap myself in an another article written by the immaculate master journalist. This was only the second article I've seen from them, and I had already observed that this person had their talents ready to use with anything they wrote - whenever I read a paragraph or even a sentence, I could feel the text speaking out to me in ways I had never felt before. It was a rush of warmth that blossomed into waves of butterflies in my stomach the more I submerged myself in the material. This time, the writer discussed poverty in Third World Continents, not attempting to hide the atrocities that were happening amongst massacres in the corrupt governments or the desperate starvations that ruled in dusty, empty streets. They spoke of the bare and naked truth about events that were taking place in these regions of the globe, sparing no painful details or hurtful descriptions. As much as I were disgusted by the writer's flawless and gory explanations, I continued to trace the words with my eyes along the page, paying little attention to what they really meant.

In no time, I had found myself walking along the pavement in a suburb-like area, after having gotten off the bus, automatically skipping over little cracks in the ancient pavement. The afternoon breeze had been chilly, I gathered, before zipping up my coat right to my chin and rushing forward much faster. I bet Elise is crying right now, worrying about my safety - I grimaced, slowly putting my enticing phone away. I eyed several neon signs, which seemed to be gaining in brightness the more I had been glancing at them. They safely rested on top of buildings, and some were rectangular, or shaped like triangles - some even had arrows attached to them! The signs were clearly pointing to a number of places, and their large number served as a really impressive light show in the pressing darkness which had began to envelope the town. Illuminating sunlight had forsaken the region, opting out to take heed somewhere else where no one could ever find it. The second I saw the glistening sign of the _Camisera_ , I opened its glass door and dashed inside the spacious cafe.

Running into the building felt like taking refuge from record temperatures - I had walked from a slightly cold and hostile evening into a place full of kind people and calming warmth. I could have just sat down on a comfortable scarlet sofa and slept for eternity - the temptation had been prominent, but falling asleep without ordering anything in my sister's cafe would have made me feel very ungrateful.

I stepped a little closer to the counter, behind which a flame-haired girl had been preparing several coffees at the same time - in seconds, my view of her had been blocked by a shapely female form of lavender locks and quite large... _breasts_.

"Welcome to _Cafe Camisera_ , traveller! What can I-- Kamui? Has my little brother come to visit me at work? Such an endearing gesture!"

I had been very close to answering Camilla's welcoming speech, but too quickly had my face been pushed straight between her soft... _breasts_. She had leaned over the counter and picked me up by my arms. Then, she clasped me between hers in a very ecstatic embrace, all the while ruffling my hair with her nose affectionately. As kind as this gesture might have been, it left me with little time to reply, and instead I had to whisper straight into her massive fluffy jumper.

"Thelo, thig fifter Khamilla!"

"Ah, how good it is to see you, Kamui darling! How have you been?"

Unfortunately, she had no aim of letting me escape from her grasp - and even though the woolly fabric had been slowly worming its way into my lips, I continued to speak into her garment.

"Af veen okfay! Vut avout you?"

"I have been perfectly fine - as you can see, the cafe is flourishing as usual, and the business is keeping up. I'm _so_ happy to see you!"

Finally, she had liberated me from her strangling hug. Immediately, I spat out all the fabric that was still lingering between my lips and she giggled at my uncomfortable grimace. Embarrassed, I gave her a small comforting grin - then, I heard the bells near the cafe's doors ring. Quickly, I turned around to see my little sister, Elise, entering the building. The second she saw my form, her eyes lit up and she dashed towards me, pouncing on me with a smile. We almost toppled over like a tower of Lego blocks, but soon we managed to settle into a comfortable hug - her arms had been encircling my neck in an affectionate embrace. Was such heartfelt hugging a skill specific _only_ to Nohrian sisters?

"Big brother Kamui! I can't believe we've finally had a chance to meet after so long! How are you keeping up?"

"I am similarly glad to see you, Elise! I've been fine. Did you want to discuss something at this meeting?"

Elise promptly left my arms and all that I could see on her young face was a frustrated yet adorable pout - as much as she always wanted to appear mature, I knew that she would always stay my little cute baby sister.

"I wanted to discuss _everything_ , big brother! Honestly, I wanted to catch up - lately you have been spending so much time in college and away from home, is it bad that your little sister wants to talk to you once in a while? I care for you, Kamui, and I want to hear how you have been getting on."

She sounded so sincere, her gentle yet lecturing voice pulled at my feeble heartstrings like a beautiful melody. A mist of guilt had sweeped over my mind, and suddenly I could not bear the fact that I hadn't been spending a lot of time with Elise at all. Neglecting her had _not_ been my agenda in the slightest - on the contrary, I harbored great love for my sister, and I adored her from the very first moment she had been born. I still vividly remember touching her tiny newborn cheeks, caressing the baby face of a girl who would grow up to be such an honour to our entire family. All of my siblings adored her - Camilla, Xander, Leo and myself, we all doted on her and tried our best to raise her well even though Father was always busy. She used to miss him, cry and wail whenever he bitterly departed for delegations, and yet she got used to it in time - and we became her closest family.

Soon after the pleasantries, Camilla glanced at the wall clock next to the doors and sighed - her cheerful smile dropped in an instant.

"Big sister Camilla, what ails you so?"

"Aw, Kamui dear and Elise, I would adore to stay here longer and speak to you; but alas, I have a meeting scheduled with someone important" - she immediately gestured at the red-haired girl busying behind her - "Selena, do you think you could serve my siblings when I'm gone?"

When Selena turned around, a large storm cloud had entered the room - although the girl did look attractive, the same could not be said about her body language and facial expression. Her scarlet-flame locks made no effort to cover an incredibly unpleasant scowl or the glare that she had been giving to everyone else but Camilla. Suddenly, the idea of her serving me or even saying anything did not seem so great anymore.

"Okay, _Camilla_ ", Selena whispered gently to my elder sister, but her tone had been as venomous as you could imagine. Surprisingly, Camilla did not take notice of it at all - I guess that she had been used to the girl's spiteful mannerisms - and she ruffled the scarlet miss' hair affectionately, before making her gracious exit to the back room of the cafe. Selena had sent her off with a terrible sneer, rather than a kind goodbye. I had been very frightened, waiting for the moment when she'd turn around and size me up with those unamused eyes again whilst telling me that she will 'take my order'.

"Can I take your **order**."

It hadn't been a question, it was a command - and I began to dish out random names of coffees until she wrote something down on her small notepad. To be fair, by now I had wanted just about anything on the menu that had been staring me down since the moment I arrived into the cafe - now, the words 'latte with chocolate' seemed to look extremely horrifying, and I am pretty sure that 'Americano with cinnamon' had been mockingly laughing at me.

Closely after me, Elise quietly coughed out her order, also taking in the unpleasant aura of the waitress before Selena finally got to work. Despite her nonexistent charisma, the woman's skills around the coffee machines and different utensils had been impressive - I had _never_ seen a person make a coffee faster even if their own life depended on it. Now, it wasn't her life that depended on it, but I am sure that she wanted to get this order done as fast as humanly possible and never cross paths with me ever again.

She slammed the coffee cups onto the counter, and thank the Gods none of the cups managed to break or spill even an inch of coffee.

"Alright...that will be four dollars fifty" - she held out her fidgeting hands expectantly, as if demanding millions to suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke in front of her.

I prompty reached for my wallet, and began searching for a ten dollar note that I had _definitely_ took from home just for this meeting - but my wallet was as empty as the depths of lonely space. Suppressing the panic that was rising in my throat, I opened my backpack properly on the counter and began unloading all my belongings onto the counter, all the while trying to ignore Elise's impatient gestures and Selena's disappointed grimace. Panic continued to bottle up inside of me as I searched through every one of my college notebooks, pens, pencils, someone's cigarettes, more textbooks, envelopes - the golden coins or notes were nowhere to be found.

"Do you not have any money, Kamui?"

" _I do_ " - came a frustrated growl from my own lips - "I do, just let me find it, Elise."

"Okay, big brother. Are you sure you have money? I can borrow you a few dollars..."

"Yes, _I am sure_ , Elise."

The point is, I wasn't sure at all. When I left home in the morning, I was certain that I placed a ten dollar note in my wallet the night before - especially to pay for this meeting. I remember the exact movement of my hand as I pushed the crumpled paper into one of the secret pockets of my small purse - I pressed it down with my entire hand until it was safety tucked into one of the compartments. Vividly, I was able to view the memory within my mind, but that did not help me think of places where I could have possibly lost the money during the day.

Suddenly, someone tapped me on my shoulder, and I didn't feel like it had been an accident - it was so _impulsive_ , it was a deliberate tap.

I did not expect to turn around to see the white-haired man from East Nohr smiling at me.

"Hello, Kamui. It's a great day today, isn't it? The air's a little bit chilly, but you can't complain about the weather."

I had been rooted to the ground - my mind began to come back to the last week's mysterious occurrence, and it started to retrace different possibilities, perhaps recalculate a few outcomes. But it could not comprehend how this man - not only he had been standing right in front of me, he was the _living_ evidence that last week's incident definitely happened. But how was that possible?

"...I thought you were dead."

As fast as I blurted out that line, I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Elise had noticed my blunder and she softly smacked my left arm, looking up at me with discontent and shame apparent in her eyes.

"Kamui, that is _no_ way to talk to other people! Didn't Xander raise you correctly?"

I could not believe my little sister had been teaching me the rules of proper conversation - and yet, she continued talking, as if I hadn't been melting enough from the sight of the beautiful stranger right in front of me.

"And who are you, good Sir? You seem to know my brother pretty well - I'm curious!"

The silver man smirked shamelessly - not at Elise, but directly at me. I was finding it difficult to breathe, having been locked under his intense one-eyed gaze.

"Me? Haha...your brother knows me quite well, but I'll sadly have to keep my identity secret from you, young lady."

"Aw, no fair! Kamui, I didn't know you had _friends_!"

Suddenly, my hand wandered to Elise's lips and covered them in order to keep her quiet, while my head continued to grow warmer - I could not trust my sister to be embarrassing me in front of such a handsome man. She had just admitted to him that I had no friends!

 _I do have friends, and a lot of them_ , my mind wailed. _I have Silas, Silas and...Silas. That is all I need._

"I-I would like to apologize for my sister. She is a handful--"

"Nouff, I'mf notf!" - my hands tightened their grip on her lips - "hfey, Kfamfui!"

"Hah, I see the familial resemblance. How charming."

Unexpectedly, he stepped closer to the counter and handed five dollars to Selena, who's hand must have been close to falling off by now. Her eyes widened in shock - but nonetheless, she accepted the money without a single move of her lips.

The mysterious man had been standing inches away from me. There was so little distance between us I could feel his body radiating such welcoming heat. He utilized this close opportunity to take my hand and gift it with a small kiss, all while gazing into my eyes with a very hungry grin.

"Alas, I have saved my little prince - and please do not thank me. It was a _pleasure_ to serve you."

Suddenly, he rose to face-level until his voice had been tickling my ear and he whispered - "We can work out how you can _thank me_ a little later."

He quickly took a few steps towards the front door of the cafe and sent a daring wink my way before slamming the door and departing down the road. I heard Elise pat my arm and compliment me - something along the lines of 'wow, I didn't know you attracted such amazing people to your flawed self' but I spared her no time. Instead, I ran out after the man, down the desolate road, only stopping when I managed to grasp his leather coat with my desperate hand.

"You!"

I wasn't prepared for him to turn his entire body around and pin me to the nearest wall.

"Yes, me? What would you like to ask, boy?"

I felt too overwhelmed to struggle versus his strong, muscular arms that entrapped me between his body and the building - and there was no one in the entire town that I could scream to for help. It was me, and me only. And this creepy yet alluring man. The more I attempted to struggle, or even wail gently, the more his smirk increased in intensity - he seemed to be deriving absolute pleasure from my desperation.

"Aw, how _sweet_. The little rabbit wants to flee from the big bad wolf, eh? Improbable. Now, what was your question?"

At those last words, he arched his face and lips so close to my cheek, I could faintly feel his teeth grazing its sensitive surface.

"W-Why do you keep helping me? I never ask for help and yet, you still manage to make your appearance when I clearly need assistance..."

All of a sudden, his hands were no longer entrapping me and he stepped away, letting me slide down the wall to the ground and finally release the breath I didn't know I was holding. The smirk he showed on his face seconds before was no more, and instead a knowledgeable smile had taken its place. He looked upset, close to tears, even.

"...Don't worry about that, kid. Just know that, when you'll need help, I'll always be there for you."

"But how will you know when I need help even when you're not there, Niles?"

He smiled cheerlessly.

"Trust me, I'll know that better than anyone else. Even better than _yourself_."

A blink of my eyes and he was gone, leaving nothing but an another glistening feather and my head full of unanswered questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but am I the only one who would love a Camilla or Elise with a skill called Nohrian Hug?? It could be similar to Rally or something...or maybe it could raise the number of spaces you could move for the next turn or two, rather than stats - it is also a skill which would be shared only between female Nohrian royalty, so fem Kamui, Camilla and Elise could only receive it :D it sounds like an okay concept tbh  
> Also this week will be my last week of school and they've thrown two exams at me on the last week so don't expect me to update so fast :^) but I hope you enjoyed it!! Please leave comments/kudos if you would like this to continue into more chapters :0


	3. Third Meeting: Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter in which Kamui completely friendzones our pal Niles and readies for a meeting with our sweet boy Silas, much to Niles' discontent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually grown to really like kamusilas in the last few days, it's so adorable!!! - but kamuzero will always be number one don't worry ya'll ;)  
> Also as much as I tried not to insert an another ship, xanlow is a special case,,,,, I love my boys and I am really weak for retainer x royal ships, I love that ship to death, apologies if ya'll don't like the ship oops - it's really minor anyway  
> aka Niles' ass is kicked into the friendzone but he'll probably attempt to escape out of it :)))

Our third meeting took place at the local park.

It had been a bright Friday; the sun was teetering at the midpoint of the skyline, and nothing else had been equally as relaxing as spending my day in the beautifully green park in Western Nohr. With a softcover notebook in hand, held by a strong iron grip, and a fountain pen in the other hand, as an excelling English Literature student, I was able to do what I loved to do most.

That is, use my developing calligraphic as well as literary skills to write a poem.

My word choice may not have been very good, and neither may have been my emotional experience that is necessary to write a meaningful poem - but what is important is that I enjoyed writing it. Half-lying against the bench, I eyed all that was happening in front of me in order to gain inspiration for the future lines of the poem with a self-encouraging smile. As I flicked expensive pen around the page - I saved up for it for several months on end, it was an antique, gold-plated Oxford fountain pen - my eyes lingered happily on families that had been striding along the neat cement pavement. My environment had been nothing short of inspiring, from the sandy edges of the nearby lake, to the quacking of the energetic ducks beneath my feet.

I did not know what the poem would be about - I woke up that day with a brave smile, knowing that today something good would happen. Perhaps it would be a new article appearing on my news feed, one from the mysterious author who had enchanted me so much with his words? Perhaps it would be a joyful text message from a secret admirer, asking whether we could meet for a rendezvous under the glistening moonlight? Perhaps I'd meet the love of my life on this exact day? I had never been more excited - thus, I decided to take it easy on that day and visit the park to obtain inspiration and see people come and go, busying about their lives whilst I enjoyed peace and quiet.

However, one pair of individuals struck me as particularly familiar. That is, two men had been strolling down the path in front of my bench. One, blond-haired and fair, clad in a formal business suit, looked particularly absorbed in the eyes of the other male, gazing at him quite lovingly. His partner looked more ordinary - his hair was chestnut-brown, and he had been sporting a light blue t-shirt and some shorts, which made him look way younger than he must have been. He was extremely excited, talking loudly about a topic I could not distinguish from the list of words he had been spewing out one after another. But that did not matter to the other man, however - the blond man was absorbed in his friend's words nonetheless, his eyes still voicing the obvious love he felt for his partner.

Suddenly, the younger man had laid his frantic eyes upon me and he stopped talking - the blond turned towards me as well, and I noticed that he beared the shocked face of my older brother.

"Xander!"

" _...Kamui?_ "

"Oh gosh, is that Kamui? Long time no see!"

Whilst Xander felt extremely embarrassed because of our encounter, Laslow, on the contrary, was absolutely ecstatic. His lips were arranged in a large grin, his eyes almost closed from the severity of his ray-of-sunshine smile. Contrastingly, Xander looked like he wanted to become absorbed into the pavement right this moment, his irises widening in surprise. One detail I noticed, however, is that both of them have been holding hands without even thinking about it. I smiled brightly at their entwined fingers, and Xander's face grew redder by the second.

"Are you guys together?"

All of a sudden, the blond man's hand left the affectionate union like his friend's hand had been scalding lava. Laslow didn't seem bothered by it, and instead reached for Xander's hand again - this time the man didn't protest towards his lover, save for his inflamed cheeks.

"N-No, of course we're not--"

"Aw, of course we are! We've been dating for a few months now, and I could never imagine being with someone that is more flawless than Xander!"

It seemed like even the save-face kit would have been futile for Xander, as his relationship had been exposed. Bashful to no end and his attempts useless, he let himself be encircled by Laslow's hands in a hug to demonstrate their love. They looked so crazy, like teenagers in first love, and however much Xander would ever try to deny it, I'd always let my thoughts wonder back to the loving gaze he gave Laslow, and prove my argument with it. There was no point hiding it now - hell, if I were them, I would not hide it at all. Since they had met me, it felt like my life had brightened up instantly and I had been bathing in the rays of some holy light - their relationship was not problematic, or even ordinary. It was perfect.

Laslow was not a person that was unfamiliar to me by any means - he was more of a childhood acquaintance to me than anyone else. Being the oldest sibling in our family and having the opportunity to work in the largest corporation in Nohr which had been our legacy for centuries now, Xander had been exposed to many luxuries like any other wealthy and prosperous man would have had - with owning a company came enormous responsibilities, as well as secretaries who got the job done for him sometimes. Of course, I'm talking about Laslow - I still remember this discussion we had over dinner a few years ago about Xander's job when he mentioned the day he chose Laslow to be his closest secretary. Even though they were not as close yet as they were now, I can vividly recall the mirth hidden in his eyes whenever he spoke of Laslow's skills and appearance and everything else about Laslow. Xander spoke with such detail about the other man, it was impossible to not notice that he was absolutely enamoured by him. He mentioned the small hands that could sort through papers at record speeds, the beautiful lips that could persuade any man over the phone that Xander had way too many meetings that evening to have time to 'deal with this trash', the shapely legs that sometimes danced, but only in secret, and _just_ for Xander.

I would have never supposed that my brother's partner would be his total opposite. Their personalities were just as contrasting as the searing warmth of fire and the cold touch of an iceberg - it seemed against all odds that they'd ever get together, and yet...

Their relationship reminded me of something.

Before I could think deeper into the subject, I felt Laslow's finger poke me in the chest inquisitively, and saw Xander sigh disappointedly behind him.

"And you?"

"Huh?" - _me what?_ , I thought confusedly. _He surely hadn't asked me of my own relationship status..._

But his confident smirk said otherwise, and I felt shivers fluidly moving up and down my shaking spine.

"Are there any second halves I should know of? I need to be prepared so I can give you the birds and the bees talk, Kamui..."

"Laslow, you do _not_ need to lecture Kamui. I am pretty sure he is a smart young man, he can figure this out himself."

Xander seemed to be slowly dragging Laslow off with an embarrassed grimace, sparing me the humiliating lecture I already had to endure in elementary school, but Laslow strongly held his ground. He was absolutely unmoved by Xander's pulling, as if his legs had been sown in the ground centuries ago. Surprisingly, he pulled me off the bench with his two feeble hands, and stood me between his suddenly menacing and small stature and the tranquil lake. Momentarily, his eyes gained a very tense and dark quality, and his lips reverted to a suspicious smirk.

He was slowly stepping towards me with a grin of a fox hunting for its helpless prey.

"So...is there anyone I should know about?"

I did not know what to tell him - _was_ there anyone I could have mentioned? I wasn't involved with anyone per say at that moment - maybe Silas could have been a good suggestion? My mind returned to his gentle fingers caressing my hair during Nohrian Literature - his soft smile comforting me just before an especially stressing exam about Nohr's Obsidian Age of Prosperity - his eyes communicating all the feelings he bore for me when he stared at me from the other side of the History classroom with unimaginable intensity. It was extremely obvious that he liked me more than the average childhood friend would have.

Yes, I could have mentioned Silas - but instead I foolishly decided to take a step back, the watery smell of the lakewater becoming alarmingly more perfervid.

Laslow, of course, took an another step forward.

"I don't think I have anyone."

"Do you not? Oh, think harder, young man..."

There was no one else, though. Even straining my mind to think of anyone I could have used for an excuse did not bring good results. Well, there was one more person - that silver-haired man who seemed to have been stalking me from place to place. Thinking back to what happened on Tuesday, when he cornered me to the wall - although thoughts of him did bring on waves of warmth and a weird giddy feeling, I didn't take it to heart. I was grateful to him for the times he managed to save me from trouble, but that was the definitive it - there was nothing else I favoured about him. Since we met the first time, he had been extremely playful, flirtatious, handsome, secretive, really weird and had been treating me like a little child, calling me by the derogatory term 'kid', despite the fact that I was roughly his age. He was brash and disrespectful, not to mention attractive beyond words - but he was not a person I'd speak about to my older brother's boyfriend. Honestly, if Xander had found out that I had someone at this age, he'd first make mince meat of him and then of me. The confession was _not_ worth the risk.

It's not like I'd get together with Niles anyway. He did not feel that way towards me, and neither did I.

Laslow, however, seemed extremely unconvinced by my straight, nothing-to-hide expression. He took a step forward.

That was all I needed to take a step back too big and slide on the lakeside mud.

It lasted a mere second - Laslow's smirk dropped into a shocked 'o', and his hands reached towards me, his eyes centered at my clumsy feet - Xander's usual stoic expression melted into unimaginable concern as he dashed towards me, hope glistening in his irises, hands outstretched to catch me from my fall - yet all was futile. I moved my fingers meekly at my sides and suddenly, I remembered that I didn't know how to swim.

I closed my eyes and plummeted straight into the lake.

Well, I _would_ have - only if somebody's familiar warm hand hadn't caught me miliseconds before the fall. My breath had caught in my throat as I felt that hand raise my entire body upwards and a tongue lick at my ear. I kept my eyes closed and tried to move my face out of the way to prevent the warm and wet sensation, but to no avail - the perpetrator was awfully persistent.

When I finally found enough strength to stand up on my own two feet, the warmth of the familiar hand slid down to my thigh before completely disappearing.

I opened my eyes and found myself staring into one intense eye of the man who had already saved my life numerous times.

" _Niles!_ "

"How nice it is to see you here, Kamui."

Of course it was Niles' face that I was staring into for far too long - his lips were arranged in the same usual condescending and proud smirk, but his expression seemed slightly frightened. I don't think he was scared that I'd fall - or was he?

No - why would he _care_ about me at all? I couldn't find a single possibility as to why he could be frightened, and brushed it off as a trick that my mind had played on me.

Niles pinched my cheek and suddenly, Laslow was grinning madly at his side. Trouble was definitely brewing in that man's mind. He began leaning on Niles' shoulder, hanging on it like a mad monkey and beckoning to Xander to come closer. Meanwhile, the blond man's eyebrows creased into mild frustration as he strolled towards our little lakeside meet-and-greet group.

"Xander, you won't believe it - he's a real cutie! Kamui darling, I didn't know you had such... _attractive_ friends! Introduce me to him!"

Laslow was so excited, I couldn't spoil his enthusiasm - I had to introduce Niles somehow. Every single time my eyes had averted their gaze from the grass to Niles, he winked at me, probably supposing I'd say that we're the bestest of friends...or maybe even beyond that. My mind had been searching for the possible outcomes of this situation as Laslow's cheerful eyes lingered on my face, impatiently waiting for an introduction.

Laslow left Niles' shoulder as I pointed at the jumpy brown-haired man with a gentle smile.

"Niles, this is Laslow - my older brother's partner."

The silver-haired man winked at Laslow, causing the other to almost faint in response - I could clearly see he was weak in the knees, showing he was absolutely enamored by the brash male. Out of the corner of my eye, Niles was waiting for me to say something - I noticed his muscles tense as he waited for an another introduction to commence.

"Laslow, this is Niles. He is my..."

I didn't dare to look at Xander's eyes at that moment, lest he thought we were in any way involved and chopped off Niles' head. I also did not bother to look into Niles' eye, lest it looked so sad and tearful I would have to be merciful with my introduction.

How could I describe Niles? He was not a friend, nor a close friend - I felt like we had some sort of a strong bond between us. I mean, we had to have one - otherwise, how could he have always known when I had needed help? It was impossible for him to know where and when I was at all times, unless he had tabs on me - but I wasn't the one to accuse him of being a stalker. I could have been extremely ignorant and dismissed all prior occurrences as miracles or coincidences - but if something happens too many times to be a coincidence, you cannot call it one - can you?

"Acquaintance."

Niles visibly blinked a few times, as if he didn't hear what I said - then he flatly replied - "What."

I averted my gaze at Laslow and said loudly and clearly - "Niles is my _acquaintance._ "

It felt like the load that had piled upon my shoulders had disappeared without a trace, and instead landed on Niles' shoulders with a painful crash - when the aforementioned line was said, the silver-haired man's shoulders dropped and his expression was so sick and frustrated for just a milisecond, I was afraid he'd storm out of this meeting. However, give or take a moment and his snarky smile was back in its place, his eyes again focused deeply on my brother's partner, quite worryingly scanning his body up and down in a very suggestive manner. Laslow, on the other hand, was absolutely swooning over the stunningly mysterious individual who had seemingly no relation to me. My brother did not share Laslow's view - instead, his creased eyebrows and anxious grimace communicated exactly what he felt - _if that damned Niles man does says one more thing to Laslow, we are leaving._

Suddenly, Niles held out a hand to Laslow, who accepted his palm with pleasure - as expected, kisses had been littered all over it shamelessly in front of the fuming Xander, and I started to wonder whether Niles had been riling him up on purpose or whether he had been genuinely interested in Laslow.

The former seemed like the more likely motive for his actions, knowing his cleverly provocative nature.

" _Laslow..._ " - the lust in his voice was so potent at that moment, it could have been extracted and weighed on a scale and it'd have probably sold for a pretty good price - "would you like to, perhaps, explore the city at midnight with me someday? A night out to a restaurant which could potentially end up somewhere between _the four corners of my king-sized bed_ \--"

"No, _no thank you_ , Laslow doesn't want to go out with you since he is _taken_."

Promptly, and before he could react, Laslow was caught in Xander's arms haphazardly and led as far from us as he possibly could have been. The upset flamboyant man whined to the blond, who had no intention of returning him in a bout of furious jealousy - and waved back at the two of us, who remained at the lakeside until the pair disappeared behind the park path.

I had no words for the man who was standing so nonchalantly in front of me, as if he just did not attempt to woo someone who had been already involved. We stood in unsettling silence as his eye continued to pervade my precious privacy, his iris scanning over every single inch of my face. Suddenly, he took a single step towards me, and that was all he needed to be frighteningly close to my face.

It was one of those moments again, where I could feel him being dangerously close, so close that we were no longer separate beings.

"Would you like to...go and get some ice cream?"

Now, that was a shocking proposition indeed - without my permission, and most likely without the need of my permission, his hand snaked and wrapped itself around mine while his lips bore the most innocent smile ever. Niles pulled me forward with him, and that's how we started our peaceful walk.

We did not speak - not for the first moments, anyway. Strangely, he seemed to have sensed that I was not up for talking and he understood that - thus, he did not say a word, defying his usual chatty demeanor. Why was I not up for talking? Was it because of betrayal - fatigue - disappointment? I did not waste energy on trying to pinpoint exactly how I felt, thinking that I really didn't need to know that at the moment - however, my mind was nagging me that Niles knew how I felt better than I did. Somehow, strangely enough, his hand felt comfortable and safe, despite his heart being cold and intentions even colder, mostly - but I felt cared for, in some twisted way.

"So how are you feeling? I didn't make you _too_ jealous, did I?"

I diverted my gaze hundred-and-eighty degrees away from his eye to stare at the lake, and observe the ripples forming and dissipating like mist.

"I do _not_ feel jealous." - I uttered flatly.

He sighed restlessly in reply.

"Sure you don't."

The next five minutes were quick and sweet - he dragged me to the nearest ice cream van, and when prompted to choose by the kind ice cream man, he pointed at a vanilla cone with a chocolate flake. I chose an ordinary orange popsicle and once we both received our treats, he joined hands with me again without a word and we strolled away onto the park path one more time.

It was difficult to say why I felt relaxed - maybe the presence of a freezing sensation inside my mouth calmed my searing nerves, maybe I pretended that the warmth coming from Niles' hand was actually Silas instead - I didn't know, but something did keep me at peace. Although one thought did irk at my mind.

Just who was he? Who's hand was I really holding?

" _Who_ are you?"

The booming guffaw that escaped Niles' lips, which had been caked in snow-white vanilla ice cream, was indescribably unsettling. He was like an audience member watching the funniest comedic sketch in the entire universe, laughing his guts out like there was no tomorrow, although I could not have possibly caught onto the paralysing joke.

"I don't understand the joke. What is so funny?"

Suddenly, Niles' hand left mine and instead, it snaked around my neck and remained on my shoulder. The gesture was supposed to be endearing, I bet, but paired with his satanic grin, it made me feel anything but safe. If I were to dress him up as the Devil himself, I'd probably be making a good guess towards his real identity, I doubtlessly decided.

"You see, Kamui...you probably won't believe me, but I am a _demon_."

Oh yes, I did believe him. I believed anything that that man would have said, however insane and impossible it would be.

"I am a _scary, frightening, evil_ demon who was sent to Earth in order to bring innocent little teenagers like you to the path of unforgivable sin...and then make you fall down to the _fiery pit of Hell_ with me."

By now he was pinching my cheek mockingly, all the while cackling like a madman - and I realized that, no, I wouldn't _ever_ believe anything as ridiculous as that.

As I continued to lick my popsicle, I noticed his stare lingering a little too long on the motions of my tongue - I saw his gaze shamelessly leave with a light scarlet tinge to his cheeks. Although I had been slightly disgusted by that, I pretended not to notice at all.

"I honestly do not know whether I should be taking you seriously right now. Realistic life doesn't allow for daydreams like this. You should be more... _sensible_ , down-to-Earth. You won't get anywhere with this deranged attitude."

"Deranged attitude? Daydreams? Now, Kamui, you are a writer - aren't you a daydreamer?"

Even though my notebook was lost deep within my pocket, I still gripped it unconsciously - just how did he know I even had one?

But that was not the most shocking thing at all.

"'Love is your burning cheeks at midnight, love is your warm touch when I'm upset - love is my existence's biggest delight, _love is the two hearts' sensuous duet_ \--'"

"Okay, okay I get your point. Please don't say it anymore."

Before I laid my hand upon his smirking lips, Niles almost managed to recite the entire poem written in my notepad at the volume of an alpha elephant's triumphant trumpeting, despite never reading or even looking at it. I was so lost at that moment, I didn't know what struck me harder - the realization that I may have been dealing with someone with serious stalking tendencies or that the aforementioned event was unimaginably creepy. How was he able to do that? Even after my hand returned to my side, his demonic grin remained and I judged that I really had to rethink my approach towards Niles.

That man was capable of very frightening things indeed.

"H-How...did you manage to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Y-You just...recited my entire poem despite the fact that you never even saw it."

Suddenly, when demanding a rational explanation from him, Niles' demeanor deteriorated significantly - I noticed his hands fidgeting, and his cheeks slowly gain in heat and redness. He looked much too ready to just hightail it out of here, but I knew I couldn't let him do that. I wanted an explanation and I wanted it now.

"Just _who_ really are you, Niles?"

"I mean--"

A ringing sound from my pocket interrupted my inquisitive conversation - when I saw who had messaged me, all my worries instantly melted away and a smile had visited my lips like a distant relative. Niles looked more discontent than I had ever seen him.

" _Who's that?_ " - his tone had been extremely venomous and tense.

"Oh, it's just Silas. He wants to meet up in the library later this afternoon to speak to me about something significant."

As I pocketed my phone away, Niles suddenly shifted closer to me, and I know that he desired a further introduction too - but not out of kindness, more like out of spite and vexation.

"So who is this _Silas_ guy?"

"Oh, Silas is the most wonderful individual you could ever meet! He is kind, chivalrous" - I began counting all the good qualities one by one on each of my fingers, despite me knowing deep inside that it was impossible to count them all with only a limit of ten - "intelligent, clever, caring, affectionate, friendly, protective, handsome, physically fit - completely flawless and possessing every single characteristic that you would desire of a man."

"Basically all the things I'm not, huh..."

"Sorry, what did you say?"

Instead of reiterating what I did not hear, Niles proceeded to ruffle my hair with a sullen expression. The gesture felt somewhat _empty_ , devoid of feelings, not like all the times he had affectionately ruffled my hair earlier. Then, he slowly began strolling away from me without a goodbye, which confused me greatly, as he had been laughing moments before - _this man is a legitimate emotional rollercoaster_ , I sighed.

"When will I see you again, Niles?"

Without turning around, but whispering loud enough for me to hear, he murmured - "Very soon."

Once I could not see his figure in the distance anymore, I sat on the nearby bench to continue observing ducks on the lake and reflect on the prior events of the day.

If not for its mistifying glow, I would have damaged a precious white feather that had made its home on the rusted park bench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update came up quite fast because my English test was cancelled (I still had to do the Chemistry one a day before the end of school though ;3;) and now I have started my summer holidays!!! Thus updates should be much faster or at least more regular if I bother to write  
> I hope ya'll like where this is heading and will be awaiting the next chapter :0


	4. let me embrace you, entrap you with the feelings I have for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter in which Niles decides to take initiative and see what Silas is really up to with his darling Kamui.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started a Conquest file with a male Kamui, called him 'Kamui' (pffft) and in two days I managed to S Support Niles ;) I am done, complete, I don't need anything else now, I am married to my sinful archer :'))) the ship has sailed I can go home  
> ...I mean, I can go home in Conquest - the ship hasn't sailed here yet and it is my job to make it sail. So, I am not leaving until that happens ;0;  
> Also this chapter is a bit different and shorter bc I'm testing out a new pov :0 I hope it sounds ok  
> Please drop in kudos and comments, these really encourage me to write - thank you to the people who have already left some, I appreciate it!!! :D  
> Also I'll try to do more regular updates, every Friday would be a good deadline for me so expect a new chapter every Friday ya'll ;0

I am not a simple person. If you care, maybe if your soul is considerate enough to notice that every one of us is different, maybe you'll be able to notice that none of us are simple. Throughout my lifetime, I've definitely experienced the thought that people are too complicated - their minds are a globe of information and neuron roads, infinitely long and still expanding as we speak. They keep lengthening like elastic bands, improving on already revolutionary ways of doing the same thing, but, for example, simplifying the action or making equipment that allows the action to be done faster than expected. Humans evolved from stones, to pencils, to quill and ink, to pens, to magical interactive boards which react and draw at the touch of your finger, even. The Earth continues to be an unfinished novel - God's greatest Magnum Opus which he will never quite finish. If human beings were simple, then tell me - where would they have stopped in this cycle of development? The Stone Age? Perhaps the Vikings?

The answer is, _no_ \- if they were so simple, then they wouldn't get past the natural selection stage of adaptation and evolution from actual simple-minded creatures like monkeys. Human beings have come so far - they've invented various brilliant machines and the like, visited outer space several times, inspected and theorized about events that took place before any of them even existed on this ground - so much, although what's the funniest is that some seemingly simple concepts continue to puzzle mankind. For example, God. Or love.

 _Both equally confusing concepts,_ I assumed and giggled at everyone who faced me with problems relating to both. Absolutely pathetic are the people who do have problems with any of them. I could not have possibly doubted God - if I did, well...for me it would not end great. Having experienced his presence yet still sinning openly and being at the cliff edge of his mercy, I was tiptoeing on a thin line of light over a pit of suffering. I was no spiritual person - I wasn't ever keen to go to church, I swore like a farm peasant left and right and hid my sadistic passions from no one in particular. My life was free and deranged - just how I liked it. Although God did have some problems with it, as did his disciples, apostles, and all those other goody two-shoes individuals, I was a man who, albeit bravely, guided my own fate on the path of life. And love? Do not get me started on love, _pfft_. I've never heard of anything more ridiculous and inventive as love - the feeling of those silly butterflies causing chaos in your stomach, the lightheadedness that somehow signified that you were in a state of complete infatuation - disgusting. I never took love seriously - having my fair share of sensual experiences during my lifetime, there was no time or need for love. Becoming stuck to someone like glue would only harm me, actually - how fun it would be if I could only have fun with one person, forever? I found that extremely tedious, lacking in entertainment.

And yet, the second I saw a boy's sleepy little face on that morning, tracing every letter of the article on his phone with his fatigued yet ironically alert eyes, barely holding onto the handrails on the train, my opinion took on a radical reform.

Oh, but I am not here to talk about myself in great detail, and nor am I here to spread interesting facts about the human race like I spread sexual passion and lust - I have come here to talk about one person. One little boy. I think you have seen him around these parts - white hair, small scarlet eyes like dancing flames, figure of a graceful fairy, with a blessed laugh that even makes the saddest person turn to God and thank for his bright presence? Yeah, I mean _that_ boy. Kamui, that kid's name is.

That day was a very interesting Friday - one of the more fascinating ones in my life. I managed to save his feeble body from falling into the lake, and when I caught him with my hand, I expected him to then drop into my arms and confess his meaningful feelings to me. Or, even better, surrender his entire body and soul to me - pledge to fall with me if need be.

But I got none of that - damn that boy Laslow, and damn Kamui's older brother - what's the stuck-up killjoy's name, Xander? And damn Kamui too, for being so irresistible with his sweet little ears. Instead, what I received was a free flirt session which ended in a total failure because of _Mr Blond Arrogance_ not knowing what fun is, and a bonus package consisting of an invitation into the friendzone sent by Kamui to Niles.

It took me minutes to realize what he had actually said. When Laslow asked for an introduction, I was expecting for Kamui to call me something more personal, intimate - hell, even 'friend' would have been fine with me (bedmates would have been perfect but I could never expect that from him, bless his innocent soul). But _acquaintance_? He might as well have called me a total stranger he crossed paths with when we bumped into each other on the pavement last week. The word acquaintance carried no feeling, no special meaning, _nothing_ that reflected what was between us, and yet he chose it because he deemed it appropriate.

Just why, Kamui? People are not simple at all - and perhaps, the most complicated one of them was Kamui. I could not decipher him for the life of me - I was a thief trying to solve him like safe combination to the most secret governmental base, and failing miserably. I could never win the money from inside that safe - or, alternatively, win his heart at this pace. I knew that I had to gather myself together and figure out a better way to make him like me.

However, just then, he received a message from that Silas. _Silas, what a stupid name,_ I thought bitterly to myself. Even though he did rescue me out of a tight bind which I got myself into rather stupidly, he did not help at all. Actually, he was a disadvantage to my cause. Me and Kamui were walking side by side, in the park, just like those romantic couples in the movies. We could have started some sort of personal topic and maybe even kissed then - but no, goody-two-shoes Silas just had to butt into business he doesn't belong in. I do have to admit that it pained my heart to see Kamui lift his bored eyes off of me to face his phone - then, once he read the text, I noticed his irises explode with warmth and colour, and his scowl transform into an endearing smile. Staring at that phone, he looked like a beautiful saint - holding a half-eaten popsicle in one hand, and huddling into his sea blue hoodie in search for comfort on a chilly afternoon. I think I did notice a little blinding halo forming around his glistening white hair as my heart began to crumble.

His smile or his warmth wasn't for me.

It was all for that asshole Silas.

I should not have asked who he was talking to - it was rude, but I just had to know who's name I'd have to imprint inside my mind to then destroy their life. The unfortunate individual turned out to be a boy named Silas - Kamui's classmate. Apparently, he was "kind, chivalrous, intelligent, clever, caring, affectionate, friendly, protective, handsome, physically fit - completely flawless and possessing every single characteristic that you would desire of a man" as described by the lovely Kamui himself. He spoke of him with such pride, fervour, my heart continued to break like unwanted porcelain pots pushed off a table, because my mind had been assuring me that he'd never speak of me like this. I hadn't been deserving of Kamui - I had been very vague about myself to him, I had pushed him up against a wall without real purpose, I recited his poem to him despite never seeing it, and I gave him various hints without explicitly stating that I desire to court him. All of the aforementioned seemed correct to me, but I noticed that, weirdly enough, Kamui was absolutely horrified at some of these acts. Thus, in order to win Kamui over and deter his endless line of suitors while I'm at it, I had to be more sensible and kind.

I had to charm him so much he would not be able to resist my attraction.

That is why I decided to go to the Eastern Nohr library at the time when Kamui was supposed to have his meeting with the enemy. I needed to see what really connected him and that kid - perhaps I misinterpreted Kamui's smile, maybe he wasn't so extremely happy at that message? Maybe it wasn't his heart that was beating so ecstatically at the text - perhaps it was my own, fearing that he may abandon me in favour of another man? I could no longer recall the memory clearly, and my mind demanded rational explanations at the relationship between the saintly Kamui and the malicious Silas - thus, I stepped into the dimly lit library, and aimed to get my answers as fast as I possibly could.

It was a great hall full of bookshelves arranged in a labirynthian formation - _one could easily get lost between these aisles_ , I sighed, my stomach turning in worry. _What if I wouldn't be able to find him soon enough?_

The evening sunlight flooded the library in its orange glow, illuminating every single particle of dust that danced in the air. The building seemed completely void of inhabitants except for the librarian snoozing away at the counter and little muffled voices a few bookshelves away. I began to dash around every single compartment, eyeing every inch of the library that I could possibly see. With every empty section, my heart lost much of its hope that was barely even there - so what if I found him, if it'd only make my heart break more to see him smile lovingly at that boy? How would that help? Even though I was at my wits and feelings' end, I prevailed and continued to stalk the bookshelves with a stern grimace, deeply hoping that I would find Kamui soon.

When I had been close to giving up, I heard a sound - it was a giggle. But not just any old giggle, mind you - it had been soft, friendly, and immediately caused this warm feeling to spread through my body like a heavenly shower. Instantly upon hearing it, my lips curled into a smirk as well, and for as long as it lasted, I could not concentrate on anything but the cute laugh - there was no doubt as to who the owner of that giggle was.

It was Kamui.

The beating of my heart had sped up immediately, and my feet automatically carried me closer to the proprietor of such heavenly titter - the rumoured lighteheadedness had entrapped my mind, and soon I had to slow down my run to stop my hasty footsteps muting the beautiful sound.

Just as I had reached the side of the aisle (which was ironically marked as the 'romance' section) where the laugh was coming from, however, it suddenly stopped. The silence greeted an another, quieter voice of a different man.

"Thank you for coming here, Kamui."

"No problem, Silas! It is always a pleasure to meet up with you."

 _Silas_. Silas, Silas, Silas, him _again_. Kamui had only spoken two sentences and yet, he sounded so vigorous, so bright and happy - when speaking to me, it always seemed like he was at the last of his strength, his words seeming very huffed out and breathed out like meaningless air. Like he was being forced to speak to me, rather than doing it of his own accord. However, now his voice had the energy necessary to recite every single digit that Pi may have had and the excitement that I had never heard being there before.

It _hurt._

"Kamui, if you could come here a bit closer - I have something to show you..."  
  
First off, there was the sound of Kamui shuffling a little closer to Silas - as much as I wanted to see how close they were standing, I didn't want to ruin my day more than it already had been ruined, so I remained out of sight and reliant on what I could hear of the two teenagers. Then, I heard something being unzipped, and fifty thousand thoughts rocketed into my mind. Sweat began to drip down my face, and I was hoping that Silas wasn't doing what I thought he was doing. _Damn my suggestive mind_ , my thoughts echoed, and my hands began to shake, just itching to grab that boy's throat and encircle it as strongly as I could with my fingers and not let go for at least the duration needed to let his soul escape this meat vessel. I wanted to rush at him and protect Kamui's beautiful eyes from anything he shouldn't be seeing - Kamui was an angel that did not deserve to have his eyes sullied by such... _small trash._

Suddenly, in the midst of my panicked daze, I heard an excited gasp escape the angel's lips whereupon what he said made my insides curl in pain.

"Wow...Silas, it's so _big_ and _beautiful_! I love it!"

This was _it_. All colour had drained from my face, and I had been a lost cause - there was no way I would now be able to win Kamui over now. If his was "so big and beautiful", then what was I to do? Not that mine was in no way impressive...after having "consulted" with so many bedmates, it was only befitting for it to be the right length and quality for the cause. But if Kamui had clearly seen Silas' and deemed it better? I had lost all my hopes of winning with this man. Not with wit, not with charm, not with intelligence (not that I had any of these). I decided to slowly walk away in defeat, hoping to speak with Kamui later when thoughts of this shameless display escaped my mind.

"Thank you so much, Silas, this book is absolutely perfect."

Wait - _book?_

"Ah, don't thank me so much, Kamui...I had noticed that lately you have spent a lot of time with your notebook, writing. Thus, I knew that this gift would only be appropriate for such a talented and aspiring author as you."

 _So it was a book_ , I sighed to myself in relief. Of course Kamui wouldn't be so dishonourable as to admire such an... _organ_. He was a man interested, and rightly so, in personality and immaterial qualities rather than somebody's physicality - this was one of the things I most admired about him.

Although that thing being a book didn't mute the voice at the back of my head that continued to whisper at me intently, saying Kamui _didn't need me_.

"That is so sweet of you, dear!" - suddenly, coughs were heard, and I supposed that Silas was very flushed and embarrassed by all these words - "I always wished to have a book which would help me to become an even better writer. How considerate of you to do this! I cannot thank you enough."

The library, bathed in the tan sunset glow, fell so silent that I was able to hear Kamui's little fingers flipping through several pages of the book, little sounds of approval escaping from him ever so often. Meanwhile, my mood continued to deteriorate, as did my hopes for being with Kamui.

"By the way, Kamui...may I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Silas! What is on your mind?"

The next few minutes were full of deep breaths, and I had been preparing for the worst.

"Do you think of me as a...a best friend?"

"Of course I do! I like you so much, we have been best friends since kindergarten."

"W-Well, Kamui, I have an another question."

"Sure, fire away."

 _Do not fire away_ , I panicked, my fingers enclosing around the wood of the library shelves, my knuckes losing their lively colour with every second.  
  
"Uh...I wanted to ask, what would you say if I offered to take you out on a date?"

Kamui let go of the book cover and it slammed on the other pages with a loud _bang_.

"S-Silas! I am very surprised by your offer..."

"Apologies, Kamui, yet I am afraid I cannot ignore the obvious. I have grown to love you - _you_ stretching your body in PE, _you_ twirling your hair absentmindedly whilst indulging in books, _you_ scribbling away vigorously in Nohrian Literature, _you_ nibbling on salted chips in the cafeteria with that dreamy look in your eyes...just you being you. I-I love you, Kamui, and I would like to take this a step further."

I wanted to say that it physically hurt to listen to this sappy confession, but that would be an understatement. Although I did want to quietly hope that Kamui would not accept the offer, I wasn't stupid - he wouldn't decline it. Kamui's voice was _too eager,_ too set on the idea, and that made me want to leave this moment stuck in time the most. I didn't want it to ever continue, because I would always know what would come next, and it would still hurt me all the same.

Whatever I did, I couldn't avoid hearing him accept.

"Silas, _of course_ I will agree to the date! I love you a lot too - honestly, I have been waiting for this moment for too long. Just when?"

"Is S-Sunday okay with you?"

"Perfect!", Kamui suddenly shouted and I heard him throw himself into Silas' arms. Then, they laughed together for quite a while, Kamui's beautiful ringing laughter sullied by that boy's off-pitch giggles. Even though I knew I wouldn't have been seen if I moved my head from behind the shelf to see the happy display, I didn't want to see it. The last thing I wanted to do was to lay my eyes upon my angel's form being held and touched by that disgusting trash. So, with the harmony of Kamui's enchanting ha-ha haunting the depths of my mind, I silently snuck out of the library and walked as far as I could from it, attempting to forget the event I had witnessed.

 _I-I love you, Kamui, and I would like to take this a step further_ , my thoughts painfully reminded me. Thank God I had been walking in an abandoned area of West Nohr, and thus I allowed myself to scream into the dawning night as the moon put down its gloomy curtain on the town.

I was furious.

"This can't end like this! I tried my best, I tried my damn best... _NILES, YOU GODDAMNED IDIOT!_ You let him go, now look what happened!

All that responded was the collective caw of a few departing ravens. I took a seat on a dilapidated wall, burrowing my hands into my pockets in an attempt to escape the chill. The forsaken ruins of a neighbourhood surrouded me in grave silence, not commenting nor acting upon my outburst.

"I'm such an idiot...what can I do? Kamui, how can I say that I love you now? Kamui, just how..."

Not even the stars could reply as I resumed my pained cries into the lonely night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stuff's gonna go down (΄◉◞౪◟◉｀)


	5. Fourth Meeting: 'Safe' House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kamui, content with yesterday's meeting, ventures out to meet with his date as well as his siblings to see how they've been getting on and to report on the good news. Of course, falling victim to an another problem, he is rescued by his favourite reliable silver-haired man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to licoriceerlif, DrawingGamer777, attack_on_ravioli, zelosno, Mda, feweebtrash, Teffla, thedeerlord, nikkiroyaltii, and OneNightInBangCock as well as 23 guests for leaving kudos on this work!! :'0 ya'll are so lovely thank you  
> Also, thank you to Red, zelosno, SUS, DrawingGamer777, WWRoyman4, nikkiroyaltii and JessieSimpon69 for leaving comments on this work!! Thanks ya'll I'm crying you're all so cool  
> This update is really late because I went on holiday last week :') don't worry guys I'm not dead and I'll continue writing this yo  
> I hope ya'll will enjoy this chapter!! It's twice as long as the last one so I hope this will make up for my lateness oops  
> (tw homophobia)

Our fourth meeting took place in front of my only home.

On that Saturday, I woke up with a start - seeing the sun rise behind my bedroom window, I was confident that today would be a great day. It was this very strong gut feeling that pushed me off the bed, this irking spike in energy that whispered ' _you've got this_ ' to me all morning. Thus, not lacking in the drive to begin my weekend, I readied myself for anything. Firstly, I rushed to the mini annex kitchen that was sleeping soundly downstairs, devoid of all noise, and started up the coffee machine with a smile. Its familiar whirr and release of the pungent smell of coffee woke me up completely, and in no time a cup was present within my hand. Once I emptied the cup and it landed in the sink, I began to reach into my messy fridge, which was overrun with post-it notes as well as colourful magnets spelling out random words on its front - the inside was not impressive which was due to my similarly unimpressive student bursary, but I did not let that shrug the grin off my lips. I simply reached for butter and yoghurt, and managed to smear some of the frozen yellow substance onto two pieces of bread before squeezing them together. I wasn't a picky eater, and could just about eat anything that could be given to me - so I took my unlikely combination of buttered bread and peach yoghurt and sat down near my polished kitchen counter, munching on both foods together.

The rest of the morning went like a breeze of fresh air - once I finished eating, I rushed to the small two-by-two bathroom of my tiny student appartment and brushed my teeth, catching a glance of myself in the mirror. It wasn't a surprise, to say the least - my organized hair was in its usual place, my red eyes continued to give an eager scarlet glow and annoyingly enough, I still looked like a young teenager despite my attempts to seem like I was much older. That very much vexed me for my entire childhood - I always used to look much younger than my age indicated. Still, that's not so bad - before Elise was born, people used to think I was a little girl! It was all because of big sister Camilla's intentions - she used to be especially mean (out of care though, so I cannot blame her) and thought that it would be funny to dress me up in pink frills when I was a toddler! My childhood, as much it was filled with affection and gifts and warmth, it had also been one shameful disaster I could never tell a single person about. Even Silas did not know of my womanly achievements, and I was madly hoping that it would stay that way.

Oh, _Silas_ \- the man of my dreams, the proprietor of my feeble heart, the flawless illustrator of my hopes. Not even these three phrases could describe him quite correctly - there was no word in any dictionary that would be able to clothe him in enough praise to account for everything. His name was the only word that could get across what I could possibly mean. _Silas_. Silas, Silas, my friend since the very beginning, and hopefully until the very end as well. Our first meeting was a legendary event - finally, after adorning my body in something more ordinary for my person, Camilla decided to take me by my hand and lead me to a local playing area to meet new friends. I remember that she was always less of a big sister but more of a mother to us all. She used to teach us many things, answer our questions to calm our inquisitive minds, cook dinners every day for every child, even lecture Xander if he misbehaved at times - if I could call her a replacement mother, then she had been the perfect one. I cannot say for definite, though.

I never knew what it felt like to have a mother.

Although sometimes Camilla wanted to take Xander outside to play, she knew that she did not want to invoke the wrath of Father who besieged big brother with so much to do and study. The poor boy had to excel at calligraphy, swordplay, astronomy, horse-riding, economics and piano before he even set foot in high school. Even though Father never said it was so, I did feel like big brother and the rest of his siblings, including me, had been divided - as if the Great Wall of China suddenly rose from the ground in our very own home. He always put more faith, more money, more time into what Xander wanted or enjoyed than for the rest of his children - he acted as if we were just little potholes on big brother's drive towards victory. Initially, I never minded this minor sibling segregation at all - I had been more concerned whether big brother was fine with all this pressure that he could not pslit between any of us. Due to this strain of high expectations being placed on him, I was not able to talk to him often - he had been closed in his room, probably writing down hundreds of essays with little energy to spare whilst I wasted all of mine in the living room, playing with Leo and Camilla and having fun. But when I did have a chance to speak to him, as a little child I could not possibly notice the haunting bags that were carved under his eyes, or how progressively thin his posture had become due to overworking himself. He simply smiled at questions like 'how are you feeling?' or 'maybe you would like to rest?'. He would smile through those questions so confidently, swiftly covering all the little signs of fatigue. He'd reply that he was having fun by himself already - but not in a condescending way, in a comforting way - he would convince me with his childish grin that this difficult and tiring pursuit of knowledge gave him the same thrill of playing a game. And I did not argue with his claims, because I knew that big brother Xander was smart and that he was unbreakable and strong. I knew that if he said that he was having fun, he most likely was.

Although, looking back, I regret not arguing with him.

Me? I was the complete opposite - Camilla noticed that I had been a clumsy and antisocial yet energetic toddler. If I were left with some Lego blocks in a room and an endless supply of food and drink, I would most likely never get bored. She used to tell me that, although she always gave me the same Legos to play with - the old pink plastic pieces that she used to build dollhouses when she was a small child herself - there was never a time when I built the same thing out of them. Apparently, everyone knew except for me that I could use Legos to bend to my will like magic. On some afternoons, she recalled that I could build anything, from fish to a tiger to a car to the official Nohrian seal. I guess that this became my sort of personal skill - being able to use plastic as a toddler to make anything that I could think of. It wasn't a skill I wished for - Xander had an exceptional aptitude for learning, Camilla had her motherly care and instincts, Leo always won at everything he participated in, and Elise possessed this intricate and unique charm which helped her with whatever she wanted to achieve. Oh, how wonderful that their brother had just about enough potential to become a Lego factory worker amongst all these talented people in the family. I never used to feel useless - but now, I was beginning to see the difference.

I never told my siblings I had a problem with it though. I appreciated them how they were, because that's what siblings do best.

I was an antisocial Lego magician - and thus, Camilla decided to bring me out of my shell by taking me to a playing area. Fortunately clothed in a tshirt and navy blue shorts, I excitedly opened the green iron gate in front of the sandbox and ran straight towards the slide without waiting for my big sister.

And that's where I saw him.

There was nothing impressive about the tiny gray-haired boy who slid down the metal construction with a loud exclamation of joy - and yet, when I stood unmoving, watching him with curiosity, he walked towards me. Once we stood opposite each other, he held out his hand - he was a little embarrassed, I could see it in his eyes, but his smile didn't waver. He looked eager to play with me.

"H-Hi. My name's Silas!! I don't think I've seen you around here...you're probably new. Have you been here before?"

"No. I'm Kamui."

"K-Kamui!! That is a...really cool name. Hey Kamui."

"Hey Silas."

His cheeks were becoming increasingly scarlet, and reached their breaking point once I decided to catch his hand in my own. I continued to questionably stare at him.

"A-Ah, Kamui, do you want to play? Or go to the sandbox?"

"Sure."

My childish mind was nothing short of simplistic - I decided to go where he led me.

And he led me _everywhere_.

In an hour I had already heard of every single secret, and no corner of this area had gone unexplored during our little rendezvous. He told me about everything, that little smile being present on his face all day. About his eternally unruly hair, his collection of action figures of Nohrian knights, and his desire to become a knight someday as well. He seemed very self-conscious of himself when it came to aspirations and future plans.

"K-Kamui?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I could be a knight one day?"

I was very much used to that question - he asked me that every time we parted. I never confronted him about it though, even if it annoyed me - I knew that the dream of being a knight was important to him, and that if I were to refuse answering this question, I'd shatter his greatest dream. So I always replied.

"A knight? As long as you work hard and fight for what you believe in, I'm sure you could be anyone, Silas."

"A-Ah! Thank you so much, Kamui!"

Every single time I answered that question, I saw his face brighten up more - it was as if my replies turned on a light switch inside his mind. I was glad that I was able to make him happy by doing something so simple, and so I stayed friends with him to encourage him on his way to becoming the most honoured knight of Nohr.

By college, he may have realized that this was a very farfetched dream, but I knew better - he wouldn't become Nohr's greatest knight, but he'd become _my_ greatest knight.

I was sure of it.

After daydreaming about childhood and seeing that I was late for my meeting, I spared no more time for anything else than to catch my backpack and rush out of the door, shutting my appartment behind me. When I looked down the stairs, I realized that living on the eleventh floor without an elevator was a definite disadvantage - I sighed, remembering how absolutely dead my legs always felt after such an excursion. But since I had no other ideas of how to alleviate myself from this lengthy escape route, I gave up and began walking down the endless staircase.

Just as I crossed the threshold of the outside world, I noticed my bus pulling up to my nearest stop and I broke out into a mad dash. My even hair was most likely all over the place now, and my coat was crazily flapping in the wind, but I thought of nothing else than catching the bus on time. Fortunately, I set foot on the grey floor of the bus just as the doors had been closing, and my backpack was only an inch away from becoming a bus door pancake. _Sometimes my scope of luck beats even me,_ I huffed at myself.

After having a brief talk with my little sister on the phone and informing her about the joyous news of my date (and hearing her squeal so loudly I think my ears malfunctioned for a while), I found myself shutting the library doors behind me just in time, wiping the sweat off of my brow and striding over to a long study table bathed in the luminance of the giant window that was the size of a great lorry. I found that, when sitting in front of that window, I could very easily relax by just observing the little rays of light that stole their way inside the building, like unnoticeable pixies that gracefully dance from flower to flower. At that illuminated table sat the person I had been wanting to see all day. The second his eyes caught sight of me, he stood up haphazardly, causing his chair to scrape against the wooden floor and make the most painful noise known to man - but even my ears were deaf to all but Silas' beautiful voice, which decided to voice my name into open space.

"Kamui! Gosh, I was almost worried...I thought you'd be late...", he muttered, his joyful grin forming into a sad smile. He clearly did not want to show he had been worried to save himself the embarrassment - but I found that act very cute indeed, and lightly ruffled his neat grey hair.

"Aw, you shouldn't have been worrying about me. Actually, I'm the last person anyone should be worried about."

Silas' disapproving look gave me enough of a response to my claim, and I decided to sit down opposite him. I took out my precious pen and notebook and began staring into empty space. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Silas becoming increasingly concerned due to my lack of movement.

"K-Kamui?"

Not taking my eyes off of the certainly inspiring oak shelf in front of me, I nodded.

"What are you doing?", he murmured cautiously.

" _Shh_ , I'm trying to find inspiration."

"Aah. Understandable."

After two entire minutes of silence (I counted), Silas shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.

"Have you found the inspiration yet?"

I quietly sighed in annoyance and smiled at the bashful Silas, who seemed very ashamed for disturbing me. Even though his voice was a hushed whisper, it was a very loud whisper, and the aisles of the library carried the noise as well as carrier pigeons transporting messages. Thus, I decided that I just had to wait for inspiration to come up by itself, and not waste time that I could be spending with my tomorrow's date.

"No."

"Awh, I'm so sorry if it's my fault that you haven't found it yet..."

"No, I haven't found inspiration - simply for the reason that its physical manifestation is sitting right in front of me."

Whilst Silas looked completely shocked and his cheeks were becoming progressively beet-red, I proceeded to give my partner the biggest smirk I could possibly muster. Suddenly, his hand reached across the table to smack me on the hand mockingly, but my arm fled at the last second. It was almost funny at how defeated Silas looked at that moment - I wish I had a camera to eternize this great moment, and keep his little flustered face with me forever.

"Whoa, I can't believe I let myself get caught like this! That was really smooth, Kamui..."

"Ah, thank you. Alas, a writer's key skill is the possession of knowledge of how to elicit different emotions from different people. Never forget that."

"I'll keep that in mind."

I smiled at him proudly - maybe I'd be able to raise a writer, I mused hopefully to myself. Before long, I managed to find a good idea to write about and I scribbled away, completely forgetting about the outside world. That is, until I felt someone's hand encircle mine affectionately and my fountain pen slipped out of my hand, entirely diminishing the quality of my calligraphy as it rolled off the page and created unintelligible scrawls like a toddler. A worried gasp was breathed just a little too close to my ear.

"Oh no, I am so sorry. I just wanted to know how you're getting on."

There was no point in being angry at someone with too many a pure motive, and thus I ignored that blunder and focused on discussing my plans with Silas.

"It's going just fine - I've just thought of a good idea to incorporate in the story."

"Oooh, that's brilliant! So how is the plot? Anything significant coming up?"

It warmed my heart to see just how genuinely eager he was to listen to what I was writing about - therefore I decided to entrust all the spoilers and plot points to him. He was my biggest fan and my keenest reader, and I wouldn't let that fact go to waste.

"Actually, currently Melange is having a good time on a romantic rendezvous with Adam."

Silas' smile degraded into a disheartened frown in seconds, and I had no idea why. Internally, I had been panicking - _was my idea bad? Was it not up to standard? Did he hate it?_ At least fifty thousand thoughts raced inside my mind at that moment as I tensely waited for his reply.

"Is that it?" - his expression had a complete change of heart at that moment - his grimace had been transformed into a knowing smirk - "That's a little disappointing. I know you for your great plot twists and turns and other unexpected events - is that really it?"

In seconds, my face began to reflect his emotions, and we both instantly knew what was up.

"Oh no no, that is not it - the date is ruined by someone else, someone tormented with _great_ jealousy. It'll be a shocking reveal, a scandalous event in the story that will change Melange's life."

"Haha, that's my Kamui! I knew that you'd be ready to surprise me."

We continued to sit in silence, my hand entrapped in his hand's loving embrace, and my other hand grasping the golden fountain pen with passion. My ideas were so great, I had been inspired so greatly, I needed to write this down or my novel would never come to fruitition.

However, Silas coughed quietly all of a sudden and all my ideas dissipated into thin air. As a writer, I had burnt out for the moment and I was ready to scream externally because I had lost so many great ideas - but as Silas' boyfriend, I knew better.

"Yes, Silas?"

"Kamui...do you think I could be a knight one day?"

There it was - just like when we were toddlers, me and this mythical question crossed paths again. And in a good setting, no less - Silas had been sitting on a chair next to me, completely absorbed in observing my eyes darting around the room, his own eyes reflecting nothing else than absolute adoration. His hand continued to caress mine, desperately waiting for a reply, knowing that if it were to be negative then his entire life would shatter into pieces, as would his devoted heart.

"No, Silas."

His gasp felt doubtlessly heartbreaking - it was as if I could hear his porcelain heart slowly chipping away, being painfully tortured like Earth enduring a quake.

"K-Kamui--"

"Of course you can't be a Nohrian knight, Silas, you silly billy. You're already _my_ knight."

Before his lips could move even slightly and give me a reply, mine own had become attached to them. It was a small miniature gesture that was not intended to show how much I really loved him, nor how much I would be able to please him - it was to remind him that he'd always be treasured inside my heart like gold bars under close guard of a bank. Although the union of lips always suggested a passionate make-out or whatever us kids call it these days, this was nothing out of the usual - a chaste kiss, used to show affection to one's significant other - not an opportunity to eat the other person's face out. That was not the point at all, even though it did seem like we were both getting into it. Not knowing how, I had magically shuffled from my cold wooden seat to the top of Silas' warm legs, and just positioned myself on them in order to get a better grip on the kiss. Sometime into it, his bloodless hands stopped holding the edge of his chair in shock and his hands moved behind my neck, and were slowly snaking down my back. It was a comfortable sensation, I cannot deny - and yet, his fingers still seemed uncertain, perhaps shy, as he wouldn't go as far as we probably both secretly wished. Of course, I was prepared to accept that - if my brave knight was not prepared, then so was not I. However, we did continue to fill each other's lips with affectionate kisses, the activity seeming more like little children playing than trying to convey meaningful feelings as we continued to brush our lips against themselves between playful laughter.

Suddenly, a familiar melody began to shake my bag, and I instantly knew who had been calling me this late in the afternoon due to the energetic ringtone that indicated the caller.

"Big sister Camilla! I cannot possibly say that I am _not_ pleased to hear from you, but why are you calling so late?"

"Apologies, darling - I have planned a sibling dinner for today, but unfortunately, I forgot to inform everyone about it. That is why I am calling so late. I've already called Xander and I've yet to tell Elise and Leo."

"And am I on the list of the honourably invited?"

Her warm giggle solved all problems that I may have had in that moment, and I tuned in to its beautiful sound.

"Ah, of course, dearie! Would you be able to enter our humble Kowaretai home in the next hour?"

"Sure. Just let me gather my belongings - currently, I'm in the library, but let me have some time to catch the bus and I'll be home as fast as I possibly can."

As I collected my notebook and bag, I noticed that Silas still found it difficult to reply and continued to gasp, his face completely flushed and irises madly overwhelmed. I spared him no pleasantries, ending our afternoon with an innocent peck on the cheek and a sinful whisper of 'we shall do more tomorrow.' I was not shameless enough to wait for his response and observe him being a total blushing mess in front of me, and thus I promptly left the deserted library. Beruka - the horrifyingly silent librarian able to kill with just a look - wouldn't appreciate us making out between the shelves anyway, I decided. If we did, then I would have probably been madly hoping that our parents would find our lifeless bodies fast before we decompose in some hidden library compartment.

After slamming shut the doors of the library, I sighed in fatigue - despite the long day it had already been, I knew I had to board at least two more buses in order to arrive at the Kowaretai home. And that had been the shortest route, mind you - additionally, the traffic would most likely prevent me from arriving there on time, and I did not want to arrive any later than Xander always did. Thus, the way to North Nohr through tens of roads and alleyways that increased in wealth the closer I was to home had been a very lengthy way fueled by my desire of not being any later than big brother. When I glanced out of the window on the bus and saw the 11-floor block which just about scraped the clouds, I let out a breath of relief I did not know I had been holding. Promptly, I left the bus and walked amongst several other glassy appartment blocks in order to arrive at the correct one - there, under the blinding gloom of the evening was a window hiding a pair of vermilion curtains which had been shielding the glowing lights of the living room from my eyes. I smiled, and instantly knew that this sight meant home like nothing else in the entire universe.

Once I walked up the stairs of the luxurious block to the Kowaretai appartment, I saw the familiar lavender doors with black ornaments which were hand-painted for the highest price possible, with a small, gold-plated figure 9 hanging on a nail near the top section of the doors. The doors of my childhood, I sighed somewhat happily, and eyed the miniature, glistening gold door handle before lightly knocking three times. I knew Camilla would recognize this knock pattern - our family used these patterns to identify ourselves, as bringing every single guest willingly into the wealthy Kowaretai home would have posed danger for all members of the family. We led a very prosperous business under Father's, and soon, Xander's guiding hand, and thus people were motivated to harm us - that's what Father taught us. That is why we all chose to be cautious, establishing a very simple knocking system which was different for everyone, which kept us safe from robberies or murder.

However, I became a little unsettled after waiting for several minutes in front of the doors - when I put my ear to the door, the flat had been completely silent. But that was impossible - if Camilla had called everyone to our home, then why was the house devoid of people? It made absolutely no sense, I decided - and when I pushed the door gently by sheer accident, it suddenly hit the pristine white wall of the foyer and revealed the room beyond. It was a strange event, as Camilla never, and I mean _never_ left doors open for whatever reason. A small panic welled up at the back of my mind - if Father saw this, Camilla would have been in so much trouble! My mission was to take off my coat and shoes, and dash into the wide, scarlet-white living room to inform her of the problem - I left my coat on the standing metal hanger, shoes on the rack, and spared no more time for waiting as I madly ran a few steps forward. I stopped at the entrance.

"Why the long face, Kamui?"

 _Impossible!_ \- my mind gasped in utter shock - _he cannot be here, not now!_

"Take a seat, and welcome your Father properly."

At that exact moment I was absolutely livid, confused, frightened - and it seemed like my siblings shared my view on the situation. All four of Garon's children were staring intently at me, each one's face telling a different story. Elise looked extremely close to tears, and in her shaking hands I could see her clutching a tissue. Big brother Xander's brows were creased in feigned anger, and only I could see the pity bathing in his cold irises. Leo tried looking as indifferent as possible, not looking into my eyes at all but I still managed to notice his legs madly drumming against the ruby carpet in fear. And Camilla? Poor big sister Camilla - she did not even dare to look at me at all. Miserably, my sister hung her head low, melancholic blood-red eyes concentrated on her empty plate. But Father? Father was _joyous_. Ecstatic, even, forcefully engraving that emotion into my own lips whether I liked it or not despite not even leaving his seat.

The family was sitting at our dining table, but the atmosphere was completely alien to me. Whenever Camilla invited all of us to a family dinner, it was an absolute pleasure to arrive and be welcomed by the enticing smell of big sister's cooking. Seeing Camilla dashing around the home, arranging the table in our favourite violet cloth and placing the dishes in her preferred pattern on it was very comforting. I usually arrived first - soon after, Elise would walk through the foyer as well, breaking into a run and giving us both a lovely Nohrian hug. There was not a single family dinner that Leo would not have taken his time to arrive to - he would step inside the home holding a book, usually about dark magic or angels or similarly fictional but interesting topics, and would wordlessly take off his coat and shoes without even looking up from the text he had been reading! He'd give us all a quiet greeting before settling down on one of our velvet couches and absorbing himself in the book endlessly - that is, until dinner was present on the table, and he'd sit down to eat himself without prompting. Our big brother was ever so often late by a few minutes - we always expected him to arrive home huffing and red-faced, as well as tired of running from his car and muttering wholehearted apologies to us all. However, we always smiled at him in return and forgave him - out of all his siblings, he had the most demanding job which he could not possibly refuse even to spend time with family, lest Father would punish him. We understood that like nothing else, as we all knew of Father's true wrath when someone had disobeyed him.

Then, we would all run wild - the dinner table would turn into a loud conversation table and we'd start talking to each other about anything. Elise would begin bickering about how her college classes are going and complain about so many 'cute people' in her year she would never have a chance with - Leo would tell us all about the latest book he had read, and occasionally educate us a little about black magic, a very passionate topic for him - Camilla would proceed to ask whether the food is adequate (all of us would say "Camilla, please - it tastes like Heaven") and then discuss the newest recipes she found in a few books - finally, Xander would do absolutely anything just to avoid us asking him about how work had been that day. Funnily enough, with panic and disgust in his eyes he would sidestep the question in many insane ways and make us all laugh in the process, succeeding in his task and making us forget what we were supposed to initially ask him. Sometimes, Elise would turn to me and ask inquisitively how my book is going, and what will happen to Melange at the very end. Of course, immediately donning my writer's personality, I would refuse to answer her question, telling her that I cannot spoil something I am only in the process of writing. She would then revert her glimmering smile into a vexed pout and Camilla'd ruffle her hair affectionately, also proceeding to ask me a few questions about the plot of my upcoming novel. These questions shall grow into conversations, and conversations into discussions that give time for the sun to disappear behind the horizon and soon, we are all forced to give back our squeaky clean and empty dishes to Camilla, complimenting her chef skills as we gather our belongings. After, we should give each other a goodbye kiss on the cheek, as per family tradition in order to wish good luck for the other person, and we would leave Camilla at home with a cheerful grin on her lips. She always looked extremely tired once we finish every dinner - I started to gradually notice the bags under her fatigued eyes, and her eyelids suspiciously closing every now and then for a fraction of a second. But then she would smile it all off so convincingly and thus I knew that even though Camilla is tired, she is happy - she is happy that she had a chance to unite all of us together.

Despite our only parent being so barbaric and for favouritism, since childhood we all remained a very closely-knit group of siblings. So closely-knit that we would support each other when it came to just about anything - money, housing, relationships, you name it, and we were able to each other with problems pertaining it. Each and every one person sitting at that table at those dinnertimes would die for the others if need to - we played each other's replacement parents for years now, and we were perfect at it like none other. That was why Father's involvement concerned me, as Camilla did not inform me of his attendance, and neither did anyone else. Perhaps they did not know as well? - I sighed, and skimming my eyes over their expressions convinced me that I could not blame them for Father entering our dinner.

I guessed we just had to have a family dinner nonetheless. But with someone who hadn't belonged to our family since we had been born.

"Sit down opposite me, Kamui."

As I predicted, there was a single empty seat at the Kowaretai dinner table - clutching my messenger back draped across my chest, I quietly pushed my chair out and took my place on the seat. Then, I heard the chair utter a muffled scream against the carpet as I slid it back to the arranged table. No sibling said a word as Father continued to smirk horrifyingly at me.

"Now - Camilla."

She stood up without a word at lightning speed, almost forcing her chair to fall backwards. It was frightening how nothing was being said, despite this being a "joyous family dinner". I wasn't used to this at all.

"Yes, Father."

"Retrieve the feast from the kitchen."

"As you wish, Father."

From there, the dinner dragged on like a graphic design lesson in high school - and let me confide in you, I absolutely detested graphic design. All other children seemed to get a grip on every single feature of the numerous complicated programmes and flawlessly managed to perform every task the teacher gave to us at a fast rate. I always struggled - I could never know which feature to use first when illustrating an object - it was all too difficult for my undeveloped mind to grasp. I knew that, if I pressed something too early, or added too many lines, or I mixed the wrong set of paint, the picture would be ruined. Thus, the entire year of lessons in this subject used to be me trying to get along with a baffling selection of tools I didn't know how to use whilst struggling to secure a good grade and fearing interventions.

This dinner was _exactly_ the same. Me, trying to get along with Father whilst struggling to please him and fearing punishment.

It was silent. I could barely hear Elise breathing, and she was sitting inches away from me. Everyone at the table was so madly concentrated on eating their food - it was very neatly prepared cutlets de volaille with seasoned salad - and my ears were able to register faint accidental hits of cutlery on plates every now and then as the only source of noise. The person, who happened to drop their knife or fork on the plate would also quietly apologize straight after, and the room would return to its prior, lifeless condition. If I were to state that the air had been overflowing with tension and impatience, it would have been an understatement.

Suddenly, Father took a deeper breath than usual and I began to sweat nervously. I knew he was going to touch a topic none of us wanted to converse about. It seemed like every single sibling understood that deep breath similarly, as they immediately stopped eating.

Father grinned, but he looked less appreciative and cheerful - _possessed by Satan_ may have been a better way to describe how he looked then.

"Alright, would anyone like to start a conversation?"

When no one wished to face him, much less say something, his fist made contact with the table and a booming  _bang_ echoed around the living room. Father looked very cross.

"That was _NOT_  a question. That was an _ORDER_!"

I wished I was brave enough to help Elise, who was at the brink of tears at that moment - but I could sympathise with her, all of us could, since we all wished we were anywhere but at that table.

"So no one will bother to say anything?"

Silence.

"...Lazy, good-for-nothing _brats_ who cannot start a conversation. Do you not possess tongues in these mouths of yours?!"

God, I always thought I'd be powerful enough to oppose Father. That one day, I would stand up and tell him that this is enough, that he cannot hold all of us together with fear. That this is not how normal families are. But now, cowering from his form sitting opposite me and praying that I would not have to meet his condescending gaze, my bravery dissipated into thin air, forgotten like an ancient legend.

" _I_ shall start a topic."

Suddenly, I saw his eyes land on Elise and my mind screamed, _you're her brother! Run away with her to an another room and Camilla will surely tell Father to leave! Don't be such a goddamn chicken, Kamui, at the expense of your little sister!_

But my hands were locked in place, restlessly at my sides, unable to move or protect Elise even if she had been sitting so close. No other sibling moved as well, except for our little sunshine, who shook in terrible fright and whimpered quietly.

"Elise, thank you for filling me on the news about Kamui."

_Wait, what?_

"T-Thank you for the praise, Father. I am honoured."

"And you should be. The person who should not, is your _disgusting_ brother Kamui."

All of a sudden, the entire table had been looking at me - not a single person had spared me some personal space as they all concentrated on me. Rather than searching for answers in anyone else's eyes, my disoriented irises directly focused on Elise's. Inside hers, I found regretful tears.

 _I'm sorry, you know I cannot lie to Father,_ she mouthed at me in melancholy, her tears unleashing their watery flow upon her young cheeks.

"Now, _Kamui_."

My eyes immediately fell on Father's. He was not happy.

"Yes, Father."

"I have heard that you have arranged a meeting with someone. Specifically, on Sunday. With a _male_."

 _So these were the news that Elise communicated to Father,_ I thought to myself. I wasn't feeling particularly betrayed - not by Elise, she was the sweetest thing to be ever raised by our family and I could not be vexed over her inability to lie. I was a pretty bad liar as well, and I understood her predicament. It was impossible to lie to Father, especially - he was able to get anything out of you to the last drop, like strongly squeezing a dry lemon. However, I instantly felt endangered - if Father knew that I was having a date with Silas, then this evening could take a really painful turn really fast. Hell, the word 'male' he spat out with such disrespect and disgust, it was obvious a lecture was imminent. And Father's lectures were no to be taken lightly.

"Is that not affirmative?"

"It is, Father. I shall not deny it."

I heard Camilla gasp a few seats away from me.

"Ah, so now you are consciously defacing our family name by _romancing_ around with a man?"

I was too frightened to reply. Father stood up.

"KAMUI! How dare you do such... _ignoble_ acts behind your father's back?! Have you not any shame!"

"Father, apologies, but--"

"I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK! You, you disgraceful _baggage_! You are unfit for any other place but Hell itself!

I, myself, had been inevitably close to tears. I could not believe that Father was about to completely disown me just because I was dating the person of my dreams, who just so happened to be a man. It was not my fault, I was close to screaming. I cherished Silas' existence and would not give him up because Father's whims commanded me so. I bowed my head down in anger, not being able to face my Father as I heard someone pull out their chair forcibly and stand up.

"Father, can you please calm down, you are upsetting Kamui--"

"SIT DOWN _XANDER_!"

"...Of course, Father."

I couldn't be saved, I silently panicked, as Xander took his seat in defeat. There was nothing that could save me - even Xander could not go against Father and he was the strongest one of all of us. I had been happy just a little bit, at least - I thanked the Gods that Xander's relationship hadn't been found out and that at least Big Brother Xander had been safe from Father's wrath, even if it was at the expense of my heart and emotions.

"Now, Kamui--"

Suddenly, I heard a familiar ringtone, and I felt my bag vibrate in unison - my Father was interrupted and he was huffing loudly in annoyance, ready to double the volume of his lecture but I was having none of that whilst someone wanted to speak to me. After shortly rummaging through my bag, I pulled out my phone, feeling its vibration reverberating through my arm.

"Apologies; for I must pick this call up immediately."

I did not wait for Father's response - I accepted the call from my ringing phone (thank Gods someone called me so I would not have to listen to Father's repetitive spiel _again_ ), and waited for a voice to appear at the other end. When it did, I felt absolutely helpless.

"Good day, dear Kamui."

" _Niles!?_ Please, not now, I don't need you right now--", I intently whispered, keen on cancelling the call and holding my finger over the red circle with the symbol of a white phone. I did _not_ want to speak to Niles of all people at this moment - I didn't want him to help me.

"Oh yes you do, Kamui. Don't lie to yourself. You _need_ my help above all else right now, and you know that."

 _He's way too convincing for his own good,_ I grimaced but did not reply, and waited for him to explain what I should do in order to flee this situation.

"Now, pretend that this phone call is extremely urgent. That is, you must attend to the person who needs you right now. You cannot stay."

"...But what if it won't work?"

Father looked very livid by now, and I was confident that a mere last-minute excuse of a meeting would not sway his decision.

"Look, Kamui - do you trust me?"

"I do not."

A disappointed sigh was uttered on the other side of the call.

"Ugh, can you bother to trust me this once, then?"

Sending an another look towards Father and seeing his frustrated features confirmed to me that I most likely could be able to bother and if I wanted to strongly save my skin, then I must bother.

"...Alright."

"Good boy. I'll be waiting for you. Good luck."

And that was it. In an instant, my phone left my hand and fell into my bag, which I hoisted onto my shoulder as I fled from my seat at lightning speed. Father stood up at the same moment and held out his hand greedily to catch me by my arm but missed, allowing me to escape to the foyer, grab my other belongings and run down the block's stairs, almost tripping at least five times in the process.

"This is not my final word, Kamui!", echoed Father's voice down the halls, slowly becoming quieter as I left the modern appartment block and shut the door behind me. I laid back on the block's entrance doors and slid down to the ground in fatigue, finally getting a chance to catch my breath. Moments later, I felt my hair being ruffled by someone's rough hands, and I decided to look up straight in the face of the man who saved me yet again.

"What's up, Kamui? Having daddy problems?"

In anger, I pushed his hand as far as I possibly could from my hair and stood up. Without a word, I began walking away from the block with a steady step, not wanting anything else but to forget what transpired there today.

Niles, of course, decided to walk with me, falling into a similarly even step.

The night had been peaceful, calming - nothing like the evening spent at the Kowaretai home. I only wished that my siblings would fare much better for the rest of the night, and that Father would leave him soon. Cowardice I showed by fleeing Father's lecture filled my mind with self-pity and fury for my own actions - but I didn't even have enough energy after this event to beat myself up for that, so I continued to march on with the mysterious silver-haired figure at my side. I felt his hand slowly snaking into my hoodie pocket to meet mine, and not wanting to argue, I accepted its welcoming gesture, enclosing my own around his.

"Thanks again, Niles. Honestly, I very often say I don't need your help, and I wish I didn't need it. But I do - and whenever I do, you're always there for me. Thank you."

"Ah, no problem. I was just walkin' by and figured you needed help."

"One question - how did you know my number? I don't remember giving it to you..."

I honestly did not remember exchanging numbers with this man. Slowly, I began recalling every single moment I spent with him during the last week, and giving him my phone number was not in the memory logs. It was _very_ strange.

"We did exchange numbers - last time we were in the park, remember? You've just probably forgotten or somethin'."

I nodded, still concentrating on remembering the aforementioned event, but oddly not being able to at all recall it - _perhaps I do have a terrible memory,_ I deduced and decided to leave the topic to rest.

I noticed me and Niles had been walking so close, I was able to feel his arm brushing the sleeve of my hoodie, weirdly comforting me with his warmth. Hell, our legs were walking so close, I even managed to step on his foot by accident! I did apologize immediately - and although I offered to sit down and rest at a bench, he declined my offer with a perverse smile.

"Why should I rest? Please step on me any time, Kamui. It's very _pleasing_."

In response, I punched his arm lightly, which made his smile widen and made me feel quite unsettled.

"You are absolutely insane, Niles."

"I know. And I bet you love me for it."

I laughed in response to his entrancingly whispered reply - there was no mistaking it, I had hooked up with a man who had fled the nearest asylum. If he worked at a strip club then honestly, I would not have been surprised. His words had an extremely lusty quality to them - and as much as I wanted to say I loved what he said and how much he flattered me, I needed to remember that I had to stay loyal to Silas. He was my world - Niles was certainly not. Silas was safety - Niles was danger. Silas was a certainty - Niles was a risk. Silas was dull but definite - Niles was exciting but unpredictable.

I was disappointed in myself that it was the bad boy type that really made me weak in the knees, that made me sway to his words and my heart jump at every touch.

I hated Niles for doing this to me. I hated him so much that I liked him.

"So, you're havin' a date tomorrow?"

"Mhm."

"With that boy, whats-his-name...Silas?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure you wanna be with him?"

"Y-Yes, I think he is the man I want."

Niles moved his face closer to mine - I felt so entrapped I almost took a step back, but when his only aquamarine eye inspected mine, I saw that he did not look convinced.

"Wow, you stuttered? And here I thought you were certain."

"I am certain! _Silas_ is the man I want! I _love_ him with all my heart!"

All of a sudden, Niles' hand left mine and he took a step back from me, his brows creased above similarly frustrated eyes. It was odd - I had never seen Niles show so much emotion, such apprehension, even, towards my person. It was as if he was too close to crying for comfort - for some reason, it destroyed me to see him in such a sorry state. He looked disappointed and heartbroken at the same time, which vaguely puzzled me.

"...Have fun with Silas, then."

Then, he started walking off at incredible speed - I attempted to run after him, feeling I was deserving of an answer about why he had been feeling like this when I admitted my love for Silas. Just why was he feeling like that? Did I hurt his feelings? My mind tried to invent new possibilities that didn't exist to explain Niles' reaction as I gave chase after the male.

"Niles, hey, wait!"

" _Get lost_ , Kamui."

He sped up his step, and I panicked that I may be no longer able to catch up to him.

"You don't need to be like this, friend - we can definitely talk this out!"

"No, we can't - have a nice evening, Kamui."

When he turned left at a corner, I started running in fear that I may lose him - although I suddenly remembered that he turned into a dead end, and so I felt so much more reassured. There was no way he could have fled from there - and so, when I turned at the same corner, I was expecting to see a darkened alley with a gloomy wall at the end and a silver-haired man keen to escape this situation.

What I saw was an abandoned alley forsaken of light, devoid of all life including Niles. I didn't know what to think about this situation - just how was he able to leave despite this ten-metre wall dividing him and the rest of the town?

I self-consciously lifted my shoe to check my soles - I was hoping that I did not step on anything particularly disgusting during the chase - and there, under my left trainer, there was a sullied white feather, stained with mud and dirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooo stuff will probably gonna go down :^)  
> By the way, a little trivia - Kamui's and his siblings' surname is 'Kowaretai', since the country is called Nohr so I couldn't call them 'Nohr' lmao  
> Kowaretai means "I want to break" - I've picked it since their family was 'broken' bc of how Garon treated and segregated his children and bc it sounds nice as a surname imo  
> They live in house number 9 because the number 9 in Japanese sounds very similar to their word for pain/suffering ;) wow I'm heartless  
> Yes the date chapter is the next chapter and I kinda have it figured out,,,  
> But if ya'll want any kamuzero shenanigans to appear in the future that you have thought of, then please do not hesitate to pm me your suggestions!!! Honestly I'll need help to plan out the rest of the chapters for this and I don't mind getting help to aid me with getting that done  
> If you guys have any ideas at all for anything, then the comments as well as my pm is open for all kinds of things :0 please don't be afraid to talk to me  
> As always, leaving kudos and comments is extremely appreciated and encouraging me to continue this!! Thank you and see you all at the next update :^) toodles


	6. Fifth Meeting: unfortunately

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kamui hopes that this special Sunday shall go smoothly - however, fate has a different surprise prepared for him, one that completely changes his romantic life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Eagles_and_Dragons, licoriceerlif, DrawingGamer777, attack_on_ravioli, zelosno, Mda, feweebtrash, Teffla, thedeerlord, nikkiroyaltii, and OneNightInBangCock and 29 guests for leaving kudos on this work!! As well as that, thank you to Red, zelosno, SUS, DrawingGamer777, WWRoyman4, nikkiroyaltii and JessieSimpon69 for leaving comments on this work!! Ya'll are all super cool aaaaaa  
> Welcome to another chapter :^) I wrote it in one go since I was so absorbed in the angst I just couldn't stop writing oops  
> I hope ya'll enjoy this one!! I warn, there is a l o t of angst

I deeply wished our fifth meeting never took place.

That Sunday was perfect. Truly, a day of rest blessed by God’s light from the Heavens – breath-taking azure skies opened my eyes in the morning, as did the sound of small parrots nestling on my windowsill, ringing out new tunes one after another like a favourite radio station. I immediately threw the covers aside and glanced out into the world, seeing the eastern part of Nohr flourish beneath my very eyes. The bakery on the other side of the street was rolling up its several blinds, uncovering many shelves of freshly-baked delicacies I was able to smell from meters away. The hairdressers' salon was also welcoming the rays of the sun inside, letting all the bystanders have a look at every kind of professional hair equipment that existed. The supermarkets had been already filled with snake-like lines of people who were all desperate to get their shopping done early in order to save as much time as they could for the rest of the day.

As much as I had been troubled by yesterday’s event (or events), I wasn’t about to let that take over my mind – Niles could _not_ sway my decision, and neither could Father. I was a man of my own fate – even though I was a college-attending little baby of no bigger aspiration than to write a trashy novel – I did not want to allow my life to be decided by any other person other than myself. Therefore, I was not going to permit any other person to judge my personal life. I was going to do something right – and that is, venturing out for my long-anticipated date and making it the best one I’ve ever had. I was definitely, certainly, hundred percent sure nothing would go wrong on that day.

And oh, how _terribly_ wrong I had been.

Once I found the best apparel for our meeting – a new black and white long-sleeved shirt with the phrase ‘im ok’ glittering brightly at the front, really comfortable turquoise skinny jeans, a pair of neon orange trainers and a whitecap tugging at my dishevelled hair – I was ready to walk out of home, clutching my messenger back draped across my chest like usual, towards a brave new world covered with undefeatable sunshine.

Closing the door of the student block behind me, I placed one earphone inside and felt the stream of relaxing music coax me into peace and courage to continue my day with a smile.

_“They dance the night away,_   
_But from her hideaway,  
Someone is watching every move…”_

Even though the music did sound a little unsettling, I still wore a confident smile while traversing the awakened street, giving all neighbours small waves, as well as a few familiar shopkeepers.

_“Unrequited lover,_   
_Who's just discovered,  
That he's moved on to someone new…”_

A few steps away from home, however, and I began to feel a little strange - as if, someone, had been quietly calling my name at the back of my mind.

_"...Kamui..."_

I decided to dismiss it as just a silly thought, and continued walking forward with my chest puffed out and a grin plastered on my lips. Nothing was going to ruin this day. I tuned in to the music once again, but suddenly my name being called brought me out of the daze - this time noticeably louder.

_"Kamui...!"_

Wow, this is a silly prank someone is doing, I shrugged, and pushed my earphones in deeper to shut out the frustrating sound. _Seriously, did people have nothing to do but frighten passers-by nowadays?_ Momentarily, I sped up my step, hearing nothing but the delightful guitar solo pleasantly echoing in my ears.

"...KAMUI!"

At that moment, I heard my name being screamed just a little too loud into my ears just as someone managed to collide with my back and almost push me to the pavement. I was so shocked by the contact that when I felt the person's hands on my shoulders, I immediately pulled out my earphones and turned around, deciding to face the annoying attacker like a real man.

Yes, I was feeling absolutely horrified like a sinner in church but we won't go to that.

You could _not_ imagine the surprise I felt then when I saw that the person turned out to be Big Brother Xander.

"Xander! And what can I do for you on this fine morning, brother?"

I voiced my question through huffs and puffs which flew right out of Xander, who looked completely tired - he must have been running quite fast in order to catch up with me. My strides had always been very fast for my petite form, I assumed - either way, my brother looked terribly dishevelled. From the very golden tips of his unnaturally messy noodle-like hair to the soles of his dark shoes, it wasn't hard to notice that he had either overslept or not slept at all - why would he have done that was beyond me. It was even more apparent if one glanced at his clothes - while usually ironed and very neat, now had been folded and lazily thrown on with little care - it had been too easy not to notice that something had happened. Concern dawned on my features as I laid a comforting hand on Xander's fatigued shoulders.

"Big brother, you have never excelled at sprinting, I have to admit--"

"Look, Kamui, this is not the time to be discussing my flaws, but someone else's."

When I thought he was going to complain about my own imperfections, I was suddenly encompassed in a rather unusual tight embrace initiated by my big brother. For a while, my hands hung loosely at my sides in confusion, but I decided to go with whatever Xander felt appropriate and I too encircled his waist caringly with my hands to complete the hug.

"I deeply apologize, Kamui - I am so sorry for what you had to experience yesterday night."

_Ah, so THAT is what this is about._

"Thank you very much for an apology, which is - not to mention - _highly_ unnecessary, Xander."

As much as I did not want to diminish the efforts of my overworked brother, who was now glaring at me rather politely, I needed not for him to attempt to excuse Father's behaviour. I had been in this family since the beginning of time, I knew very well how Father was and what he liked and didn't. In addition, the selfless Xander was certainly not in the position to take the entire blame on himself - I was not about to allow him to do that, or I'd never live the guilt now. I affectionately laid a hand on my brother's shoulder with a comforting smile, although his frown did not show any signs of brightening up at all.

"Kamui, believe me, I did _not_ want that dinner to go like that. And nor did Camilla."

His sentence rubbed way too much salt into an old wound as I imagined Camilla's pained face at yesterday's dinner - as much as she didn't want us to feel so frightened by Father, she was not in the position to stop his arrival and I understood that. I didn't need Xander to repeat everything to me - I knew that Camilla regretted everything and that I couldn't blame her for yesterday.

"I know - I understand that Camilla wanted what was the best for us and she could not have informed us of this. She did all she could in her power to make the evening better, and I thank her for that."

Suddenly, Xander's frustrated features welcomed a bright, appreciative smile and I felt a suffocating weight drop from my heart at once.

"Alright. Thank you, Kamui."

"No, I thank _you_ for being so considerate to come to me this morning to apologize for something that is not your fault. Besides, I'm just very grateful that you and Laslow were not touched upon in the evening. I don't think I would have restrained myself for a moment longer if Father began to berate you or your beloved."

During my speech, Big Brother's expression soured again and I immediately regretted pushing the topic. Maybe asking him about his significant other would clear the mood?

"How is Laslow, by the way?"

"Oh, Laslow?"

"Yes - you did not actually take Niles' advancements seriously that time, did you? I hope that that event did not cause any heart-breaking arguments."

Xander giggled quietly at my question, and his eyes gained this dreamy quality - and I knew he was totally immersed in Laslow, Laslow and only Laslow at that moment.

"No, of course not! Actually, it seems like both of us are now much closer than ever - we're a very familiar pair indeed."

I gently shoved his shoulder with my own in agreement. Xander slightly flushed in response, gently massaging the 'damaged' shoulder.

"Wow, that's great! Is there any sign of marriage in mind?"

"K-Kamui, no way! You do know that Father would never look me in the eyes again, correct? Perhaps, he'd proceed to remove me from the company, and Laslow as well. Maybe he'd call him to court? Organise a restraining order? You know Father has contacts all around the country - he'd surely do something. I couldn't imagine to even take the risk of proposing the idea."

The daydreaming clouds of love had fled from Xander's frightened irises, which were terrified of all the possibilities Father could exploit in order to separate him and his partner. It was saddening to see him so - I always wished to be a strong brother for my siblings, but when even Xander felt absolutely hopeless, nor could I muster the strength to oppose whatever Father may have thrown at all of us. I decided to pat him on the shoulder again, and perhaps move a more... _civil_ topic.

"How is Laslow feeling lately with the work? Isn't it too much?"

All of a sudden, the blinding clouds of affection began to surface in his eyes and he regained his prior cheer.

"I have been asking him that, of course - as of late, Father has increased his demands of me and thus, also of my closest secretary, but he doesn't seem to mind that much at all. Actually, Laslow says he has been _enjoying_ it because then he has an excellent excuse to spend more time with me."

"Well, more time spent with the person you love is always a pleasure, isn't it?"

"Indeed! We sign papers together, we walk around the entire building side by side, we converse at breaks...and we have fun whilst doing it. We are entertained to the fullest, and we would never exchange this time for anything in the world."

 _So this is what love feels like,_ I thought to myself. _This impression that, whatever time you spend with that person is always precious, no matter how stressing or dull it is. It is always time well spent._

Subsequently, Xander glanced at his watch and gasped, his eyes widening and following the large minute hand make its way across the glistening gold interior of the clockface. I felt extremely guilty - Xander had very serious papers to attend to and I was probably making him late for no good reason!

"Big Brother, I am so sorry for postponing your arrival to work. Deepest apologies!"

"Hah, do not worry your little head, Kamui. I can be a few minutes late - not a big deal. I am rather worried what Laslow will think of it, though..."

"I'm sure that if you tell him what really happened, he will believe you. In any case, I'm always near my phone and I can surely back you up on this."

"Thank you so much, Kamui."

"No problem. Now, go - you do _not_ want to make Laslow worry."

"Indeed! Thank you once again, and good luck on your date - I'll be cheering you on from my office!"

Although a blessing from my older brother would be the last thing I suppose I'd receive on that day, I took it all to heart nonetheless, feeling the newfound confidence fill me after the departure of Xander's brave aura into the nearest taxi.

From there, the morning became more pleasant than before - I felt completely sure that it all would go perfectly, that this would be the day when everything would change. Silas' love filled me with so much bliss, happiness, will to live - I absolutely loved this ascending feeling. In a few minutes, I was entering a bus which took me straight to the front of the South Nohr park, where both of us arranged to meet. When I walked out of the bus and saw the greenery rise before me, last-minute panic and nervousness rose within my stomach and I was already thinking about planning my quick exit route. However, soon the desire to feel this cheerfulness with Silas prevailed, and I made my way to the iron gates of the park.

Upon entering the familiar place in the southern part of Nohr, I felt overjoyed to find a rather stressed gentleman, clad in white shorts just above the knee and a bright blue t-shirt, holding a rose in one of his hands and making odd gestures with the other. His lips were also moving despite there being no one close to him, and I assumed he was trying out all the pickup lines he learned the day before for this date. He was so considerate, as well as just plainly precious - he was making such an effort in order to please me, it made me happy like nothing else.

When I appeared in his line of view, the rose suddenly disappeared behind his back and his face turned a totally new shade of scarlet.

"Hello, Silas! Isn't it lovely weather today? Perfect for our date, I'd say."

"Hey, Kamui! I completely agree with you...y-you look absolutely beautiful today."

All of a sudden, his left hand appeared in front of me, a rose resting in its gentle grip. I took the flower into my hands - remaining wary of its harmful thorns - and savoured its flawless look, all the while grinning at the abashed Silas.

"A rose? For me? Aw, Silas darling, you really did not have to!"

"I did have to, though - y-you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I wanted to show that. I love you with all my heart, Kamui."

"I love you too! Thank you so much for this pretty rose - I am certain that today shall be a flawless day befitting our duo."

And so, once my hand had safely been encircled by his unsure own, we both walked into the fenced area, which was home to a temporary theme park. It was frequent for such attractions to be visiting the country, since all children went completely mad when any of these sorts of things were mentioned. Thus, it was easy money for the city, easy money for the organisers and of course, easy entertainment for our smallest citizens. Silas or me did not lack a childish side as well - we immediately jumped on the idea when we heard that a theme park was visiting us, and also incidentally on the day of our date. It was absolutely perfect - and so we spared no more time planning as this park became our final destination.

When we stepped closer to the little token booth, we scanned the price list and decided that it was more worthwhile if we bought ten tokens rather than one or two - and so we decided to buy that amount in order to save up. Although he insisted that he would pay for the tokens, I said I'd hear _none_ of that and I finally managed to convince him after ten minutes that since he gave me the rose, I should pay for the funfair. It was obvious he didn't agree with me - wearing a disapproving grimace, he looked like a scolded puppy, but I knew I couldn't give in if I were to be polite.

We both strolled over to the cashier's small window, cash in hand and eager to pay. The man who was supposed to charge us was facing the other way, seemingly busy on his phone - thus, I gently knocked on the transparent window with a smile.

"Hello? Can we please have ten tokens?"

When the man turned around - I suddenly froze, and almost dropped the cash in my hand onto the ground. There was something very unsettling about him, but I couldn't quite place what.

"Of course. Is this handsome boy paying?"

I handed the money to him, still not taking my eyes off of the cashier's face, when I saw him glance condescendingly at Silas.

" _You_. You're letting this boy pay for you? Shame - you could be a little kinder to your date."

It was very worrying to see Silas so shaken by the man's words, but nothing else was said after that. Even though I kept my eyes on the man still, there was nothing that I could possibly recognize as strange. He looked like he was in his thirties, with very light blue eyes, in an ordinary t-shirt, jeans, trainers, with short hair.

 _Nothing out of the usual at all,_ I thought to myself. _Maybe I'm just oversensitive._

We left the booth as soon as possible, and I felt like comforting Silas, because he still looked a little down in the dumps from that unecessary comment.

"Hey, Silas?"

"Yeah, Kamui?"

"Don't worry about that man. Honestly, he probably didn't even _mean_ to be very rude about that. And if he did, then you shouldn't take it to heart so much. I love you, and to me, you're great."

Unexpectedly, he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and I felt my face burn up like a candle.

"Thanks, sweetie."

"N-No problem, Silas."

With our ten tokens in hand and two hands holding each other's, we were ready to conquer the theme park. From that moment, I thought that this was only a minor inconvenience on the path to a great day - however, it only went downhill from there, unfortunately. Every single person we paid our tokens to for a ride always had something mean to say about us together, or mostly just Silas himself. By the third ride, I had figured out what had disconcerted me so much in the token booth man - it was his pair of bright aquamarine eyes. When I pieced that fact together, it had seemed that just about every stranger we spoke to on the funfair had those eyes - from women to men to children, everyone who I had a chance to look at. It felt chilling to say the least - I walked around the fair in constant fright, seeing these cerulean blues follow me just about anywhere. I knew I had seen them somewhere before, but I just could not place where at all. It was strange, and definitely rather agitating.

Thus, due to that neverending fear, our time at the funfair was spent in tense silence of me looking around and checking whether anyone was still observing me and Silas being too ashamed to speak. I wanted to escape this carousel of bad fortune so badly, and yet there was nothing I could do until we used up all our tokens. Without saying a single word, we both rushed to the exit hand-in-hand, having had enough of this so-called 'fun'.

Only when we had been out of the gates, then we felt safe from the intense blue-eyed strangers.

"Kamui?"

"Yes?"

Although I did sound confident, inside I was everything but - Silas seemed very quiet and upset, and these feelings only increased by the time our date had finished.

"Kamui...I think you're a great man, really. You're cute, intelligent, talkative. A force to be reckoned with."

Even though he was trying his hardest to make his last sentence seem like a joke to brighten the mood, his effortless smile did not convince me in the slightest. I was actually becoming more worried, thinking that it was my fault he felt like this. But I loved Silas with all my heart, and the last thing I ever wanted for him was to feel sad!

"But...?"

It was clear it was difficult for him to say what he had on his mind. We both weren't prepared for it.

"Apologies, but... _honestly_ , I love you, Kamui. I've never loved anyone more than you in my entire life. However, I'm afraid this cannot go on."

"...What?"

"I'm sorry, and as much as it hurts me...I cannot be with you."

I couldn't believe what he was saying at all. It felt so farfetched, surreal, impossible - like he was trying to lie.

"Silas, but...why? I love you so much, and I'm sure you reciprocate these feelings, do you not?"

"As much as I hate to say it...I do. But I cannot be your knight if others do not think I fit the purpose."

"But Silas, others don't _know_ you! Although your exterior may seem very shy and timid, inside you have a great brave heart which would stand at nothing in order to make sure I am safe. That's exactly why I love you so much, and that's why I wish to be with you!"

"I know, however, if I cannot protect you, if I cannot be manly enough to support you...then I do not deserve you."

At that moment, everything he said was like a dagger that kept cutting deeper and deeper into my heart every second.

"S-Silas...please don't do this, we can think this over, I love you so much, I cannot leave you. I'm so sorry if this is all my fault!"

I encircled my hands around Silas' feeble form to embrace him with all the love I ever felt for him - it took a few seconds to feel his hands settle on my hair and back, massaging comforting circles into my clothing. I felt like screaming all this agony out, getting rid of it before it germinates even more within me - but I kept it in, to keep Silas with me for longer. I didn't want to ever let him go.

"Kamui, darling...it's not your fault. Don't ever blame yourself for this, okay? Please promise that to me."

Even though he was an inch away from me, I already missed his strawberry scent, his beautiful voice, his weirdly arranged silver hair, his everything that I'd never get back. Even in the saddest moments, he still remained a serious shoulder for me to cry on, and I always found that admirable.

"O-Okay, I promise."

"See? It wasn't so difficult."

When he pulled out of the embrace, my hands desired to only grip him harder than before, to keep him with me for eternity. For some reason, I knew I'd never get over this romance, or break-up - I would never get over his little giggles and smiles and kisses and everything else. I'd never get over him.

"Silas...do you s-still love me?"

"Kamui, you silly billy, of course I do. I'll always love you, even if you don't want me to."

In between deep breaths and flowing tears, I let out a choking laugh - even if I wanted to be anxious at Silas, I just couldn't force myself to. He was too sweet to be the subject of my hatred, and so I decided to keep our relationship civil, even though I was still affected by the extreme anger resulting from the break-up.

I gave Silas one last smile, to hopefully brighten up his day, even if it was surrounded by hopeless tears. I waved goodbye at him, and he did too.

"G-Goodbye Silas."

"Goodbye, Kamui. Have a nice evening."

Then, I dashed out of the funfair - out of the park - out of the district, as far as my legs could possibly take me. I paid no attention to other pedestrians, to cars - God, I wished these could just eternally alleviate my current suffering - to public transport. I felt helpless, lost, and the only thing I wanted to do was to weep, cry and rejoice in loneliness of my home that smelled like the cinnamon sticks I littered all over the living room or the lavender air refresheners in my bathroom. I desired to run away, never come back, plagued by the fury that was given to me by the break-up. I wanted to clear my mind of Silas, of anyone else, of us - but all my attempts were futile, as one particular man kept coming back like an unwanted tide. The handsome, silver-haired trickster who kept saving me from every single problematic situation. The very thought of him vexed me to no end - how dare he ruin my first date with the only person I ever loved and then intolerantly invade my thoughts? I wanted him to stop existing. I wanted him to never cross my path again.

They were his eyes. His _hypnotic_ , deep as the ocean, sapphire irises. I didn't know how, but what I knew is that they were certainly his.

Upon remembering that nearby, there was a shortcut to my student block, I decided to turn around the corner into the suffocating alley which would eventually lead me to the comforting safety of home.

However, the second I turned the corner, my face met with the soft feel of a man's softcoat and a dark-skinned, defined neck.

_Speaking of the devil._

"Oh hello, Kamui. How fortunate that I've met you here--"

His hand was reaching towards my face, and I immediately _smacked_ it away with the force of a thousand tennis rackets. I was not going to tolerate his banter right now.

"Niles, leave me alone. I've had enough of you."

"A sharp tongue, huh? I love that...and you certainly haven't had enough of me until we have had a sensual rendezvous in bed--"

_Slap!_

I was absolutely at my wits' end of how to deal with this idiot. I didn't want to listen to his sexual talk whilst being invaded by all kinds of confusing feelings - I needed to go home and sort myself out and meeting Niles alone in a very secluded, dark alley did not put me at an advantage.

So I decided to slap him, since my hands were the strongest arsenal I had at my disposal. He immediately staggered back a step, both of his hands covering the hurt red mark on his shocked face. Even though it wasn't exactly apparent, in his eyes it was so obvious he felt very agonized about my unexpected behaviour, and although I couldn't have cared less about him at the moment, all that pain being targeted at me just made my floodgates collapse and I fell onto the pavement. My knees were scraped, my jeans were probably irreparably damaged, but I did not care.

"I h-hate you so much! How COULD you! I was about to shape my future, the r-rest of my life with the person I loved most...and you just _RUINED_ IT! You did not even have any motives for ruining it...you just did it for fun, correct? Momentary entertainment at the cost of someone else's feelings."

Now, the prior suffering in his eyes had been replaced by guilt and he also kneeled down, facing my puffy red face with his own. Oh, how did I want to strike him again if only any energy remained in my hands.

"Look, Kamui, it was all--"

"I don't care about your reasons! Hell, I'm hundred-percent sure there were no reasons. Just pure fun. _Oh, I'll just go and ruin someone's life just because I have nothing to do._ Is that not right?"

He did not reply, arching his head downwards, and I suddenly felt like a dog owner scolding his irresponsible pet.

"Is that not right!"

"...No, it is not. Kamui, look, I...it's difficult to explain, and you may not believe me, but I legitimately care for you."

The cackle that escaped my lips at that moment frightened even me.

" _Care_ for me? You? Pfft, do not joke around with me right now. You are so incredibly _selfish_ that the only person you care about is yourself."

It looked like I did strike an old wound there, since I saw his hands flinch and eyes widen momentarily. I felt so powerful, like I could berate him endlessly for the next few hours, I could point out his faults for eternity and he would not object. He _couldn't_ object.

Because I was confident I was correct.

"I don't know how the Hell you did it. Maybe you're a...voodoo magician, or whatever. I know it was you. I saw your eye. Everywhere, looking at me, constantly staring, following my every move..."

He did not make an effort to refuse my claims.

"I don't care about the details either way, I just ask that you leave me alone and never speak to me ever again."

"No, Kamui, come on, we can talk this over..."

"No, Niles, we cannot. And that was not a debatable question, that was a _statement_. You either leave me alone or I will call you to court for a restraining order without a second glance."

He wanted to say something at that moment, I knew he did - but suddenly all drive to argue had left him and his hands restlessly dropped to his sides. He took a deep breath, and I was preparing myself for a loud shout or argument of some sort - but none ever came. We both had been standing opposite each other - he welcoming me into the vile darkness of the little side-alley up ahead, and me being the ray of the setting sun which rained from the town into the small passage. He was a bit taller and probably mightier than me, which meant that getting past him to home would be rather difficult - I was hoping he wouldn't take this chance to kidnap, assault me or follow me home. All trust I had for him had disappeared only to be replaced by fear and suspicion, especially in this light where his face looked shadowy and unpredictable. Gradually, his hands seemed less comforting and more I will clasp your throat and strangle you. Suddenly, I felt a lump rise within my throat and the first time ever with Niles, I was absolutely  _terrified_.

"Please, do go and ruin other people's lives. But me? I've had enough of your influence leading my life to demise and ruin. Goodbye, Niles."

With all strength I could muster, I elbowed him to the side and ran straight towards the exit of the alley. I knew that this move would only gain me a few seconds, and he was a very fast runner and he would catch up to me, but I wanted to hope that I could escape. I didn't look back - two roads later, I was able to hear his voice faintly echo between each window of every shop, repeating my name all over and over again.

"Kamui!"

"Kamui?"

"Kamui, c'mon..."

"Kamui, please stop this!"

"I care so much for you, Kamui, please come back to me!"

"Kamui, I didn't want this to be like that at all."

"K-KAMUI!!"

At the last sickened cry which seemed to end up in bitter tears, I sped up my steps. Minutes later, I was standing at the front of the block, fumbling around my bag for my house keys. When I finally dragged them out, I opened the door and closed it in seconds, and raced upstairs to my flat, desperate to feel the comfort of my home lull me into safety.

I immediately kicked off my shoes at the nearest wall and threw my bag off my shoulders. Unzipping my hoodie, I also managed to take off my jeans which were completely sullied with dirt and mud, and threw them into the washing machine. Having nothing to do with my hands then, I took the closest thing near me - in that case, a glass cup - and threw it onto the floor with as much force as I could.

"NILES, YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST RUINED MY LIFE!"

And then, I simply began to cry. My entire appartment was deadly silent save for my desperate weeps and shouts every now and then, which managed to fill in the void of loneliness with even more loneliness. I felt so hurt, abandoned, tired - so much feelings were circulating in my head at that moment. I wished I could be strong enough to take everything in the room into my hands and just throw it all at the nearest wall, making it shatter like that glass I dropped. With so much unreleased energy and fury at my fingertips, I still somehow managed to coax my shaking body under the blanket on the couch and I lied down, hoping that I could soon forget about Niles and stop being so immature.

In the middle of a particularly painful scream, I heard my phone voice a very regal tune, at which point I immediately tried calming down. After all, I couldn't make mysef seem weak in front of Big Brother Xander.

I picked up the phone and heard Xander's comforting voice speak into my ear.

"Good evening, Kamui. How are you feeling?"

I took a deep breath and tried my best to not make my voice seem shaky or upset. The last thing I needed was Xander becoming worried about his little brother's date going wrong. I'd feel utterly pathetic.

"I'm feeling quite alright, thank you."

"Kamui, you always say that when something goes wrong. Is everything definitely alright?"

_Dammit, he got me._

"Y-Yeah, everything is alright, definitely."

"Kamui, your voice sounds very melancholic and shaky...are you crying?"

"N-No, never would I cry! Brother, I'm completely fine!"

That silence was the most tense silence in my life. I knew my brother was onto something, and he'd unmask me in seconds. Then, he'd call me a spineless coward or something similar but in more formal terms.

"Kamui, you know you don't have to hide your feelings. Crying isn't embarrassing. I cry sometimes too."

"D-Do you really cry? I always thought you never cried at all..."

"Everyone cries sometimes, little brother. It's fine. We all have to let our feelings out somehow. Now, tell me what is wrong."

Thus, I proceeded to tell him every single detail from the day - from our meeting, to me speaking to Silas, to every single event we went to, to me storming away and meeting Niles. Everything that I knew, I entrusted in my brother and he listened to my very long recount with very close attention, from beginning to end, like he was analysing an ancient text. Then, he studied my explanation for a long time before starting to speak again.

"Today must have been a certainly eventful day for you, little brother. Please do feel free to rest so you can feel better."

"Thank you, Xander. What do you suggest I do?"

"Well, if Silas feels that he is not the right one for you, then I think you should not push him to something he is not ready for. As for Niles? That man is certainly a handful - I suggest you do whatever you feel is right. If you feel he is at fault, then do not keep contact with him. But from your explanation, I can clearly see that, on the contrary, he cares for you nonetheless. I'd suggest you talk it over with him, instead of just rejecting him at face level. Do not ever let passion take the better of you, Kamui. Be _rational_."

I nodded to myself and thanked my older brother for the priceless advice - I decided I was going to think the matter over since I had all the time in the world right now. Thinking was a much better use of my time than pointlessly wallowing in sadness while life went on and time flew forward. I wasn't going to let my emotions get the better of me at a dire time like this.

"Anyways, good luck with solving this difficult situation - I'm crossing my fingers for you."

"Thank you, Big Brother Xander. Are you planning anything with Laslow?"

When he spoke again, with such longing and affection and all that lovey-dovey feeling, it was almost like a totally different person speaking to me.

"Well, we are supposed to go out on a date today night...then spend some time together. Due to little time left for us off-schedule, we've been planning this little meeting for weeks now. We finally get to do it today, and you probably will not believe me, but I am very nervous indeed."

"My own older brother? The strong, manly Xander Kowaretai being brought to despair by an another man? Shame, I say - _shame_!"

Big Brother guffawed in response to my mockery.

"And what do I have to say about you? Two men competing for my little brother? I say you should bear the shame."

"Haha, how utterly bold of you to say that!"

We joked around for a few more minutes, pointing out each other's biggest flaws and I felt myself brighten up more with every single minute, every thought of romantic love dissipating like an unwelcome mist.

"Thank you so much for cheering me up, Big Brother - I love you so much."

"No problem, Kamui, I love you too. After all, keeping you happy is my responsibility. Now, I have to pick up Laslow who is probably sorting out some papers a few offices away, and I need to do that right now. Have a nice evening, Kamui!"

"I wish you good luck on your date, Xander."

From there, I heard the little beep and my entire home was veiled in silence yet again. This time, I decided I wouldn't get my anger out on expensive objects, and I thought that screaming out into the void wouldn't help me either - thus, I let myself rest for a few minutes, lying under fluffy blankets on the couch and surfing the web lazily on my phone. Soon, fatigue took over and I couldn't resist closing my eyes, permitting the dreamworld to shut me away from consciousness and allowing me to sleep.

My dreams that night were very hazy, full of weird happenings and indefinite shapes - and yet, until today, the details from that dream I can remember are a weeping silver-haired individual and a small white feather hopelessly floating down to the ground next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed, please leave kudos!! If you have any suggestions/improvements/comments, then please do leave them below as well!!  
> Man that was a lot of arguing to write, this chapter was actually really fun to construct and organize  
> Next chapter will be a Niles chapter, so hopefully some stuff gets sorted out!!! (Or Niles will mess stuff up even more oops)  
> (He probably will)  
> I'll see ya'll at the next chapter :D toodles  
> (P.S the song lyrics are taken loosely from a real song called 'Danger on the Dance Floor' by Ghostfire - it's a pretty cool song tbh)  
> (P.P.S the reference to rationality and passion taking over people is totally not a reference to Jane Eyre, no way pfft)


	7. I wish you would understand how I feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niles has partly realized the scope of his mistake - thus, after consulting with an old friend, he decides whether he should pursue Kamui or let the boy finally go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to K01, Eagles_and_Dragons, licoriceerlif, DrawingGamer777, attack_on_ravioli, zelosno, Mda, feweebtrash, Teffla, thedeerlord, nikkiroyaltii, and OneNightInBangCock as well as 30 guests for kindly leaving kudos on this work!! As well as that, thank you to Red, zelosno, SUS, DrawingGamer777, WWRoyman4, Lucy Kirkpatrick, nikkiroyaltii and JessieSimpon69 for leaving comments on this work!! Mmmmmm thank you sm  
> Aaaaand here is the long-promised Niles chapter!! I really let myself go with the narrative, that's probably why the chapter's being released so fast oops, sorry if it's super ooc  
> This chapter is super tense and angsty!!! My favourite  
> Also, this chapter is probably the most sinny this fic will get - I don't think it'll get any worse than this, so I warn you, please read this chapter with caution!!! (There isn't any sex though, implied or explicit)  
> Alternative title would be Niles Screws Everything Up Even When People Tell Him Not To  
> Also, we get to meet a new character who *may* become a major character very soon ;0

The next day was a blur. A mixed painter's palette of disillusion and chaos, people and places and thoughts altogether in one place with no correlation or logical relationship - that was how overwhelmed my mind felt by yesterday's events. It all went so fast, I did not even have a time to think of a false explanation that would satisfy Kamui's thirst for reason - of course I couldn't tell him the complete truth, even if I wished to do so. I could bluff - since filthy people of the street like me did that the best.

As much as I wanted to visit Kamui straight away in the morning and just see him, feel his lavender scent, touch his unruly clothes, look at his crying face - I knew that first, preparations were in place. And thus, once I arranged a meeting with a certain someone, it took me a few minutes to climb a few houses, jump over a few ravine-like gaps and find myself right opposite the house in question.

It was a flat, on the third floor, I think - there was a single window on that level, open to its maximum on its weak hinges, and a single person sat on the windowsill. They observed the sunset with a small grin, which hid so much love behind it, it was impossible to unsee it. However, when that man on the windowsill noticed me, all his vigour and joy disappeared.

Once I climbed to the windowsill, he helped me by pulling me up and I settled myself down next to him. In front of us, it was impossible to miss the sunset which threw at us the glowing orange veil of shine before escaping somewhere behind the buildings and leaving the moon to guard our souls for the evening. The sun took its sweet time to orchestrate an escape - and thus, I curiously looked behind me into the bedroom of the person's house, where a single, blond-haired figure slept peacefully under the covers. The sight of that person shocked me - I always bet that he would never get a person in bed with him, but alas, I was wrong.

Once I faced him again, he held out his hand and demanded his prize.

"Alright, Niles, that's it - I won the bet. Now, hand over fifty dollars peacefully or by force - however you like, I don't mind."

As I reached into my pockets, I sighed - it seemed like I underestimated his little masculine charm too much lately. Every bet I lost brought me closer and closer to sweet bankrupcy - and this one was one of several I had lost and yet to lose. Alas, unable to defend myself this time, I handed over every dollar bill I had under the clever and watchful eye of my friend, who was smirking at me like there was no tomorrow.

"Look, Laslow, how could I have known that with your crap flirting you could ever get laid?!"

He tapped his nose secretively and hid the bills in his purse.

"I didn't quite "get laid", but the agreement was that I would "get someone into bed". Thus, I did, and nothing else ensued. And I still had fun."

"Wait, you got someone to come to your home just for this bet?! I can't believe you put money over romance...it seems like your selfless is disappearing."

"Or you're just rubbing off on me. Either way, I didn't invite this man over just because I desperately needed fifty dollars - I love him with my entire heart. We just...spent time with each other, that's all. I don't value pointless material items over valuable love, unlike _someone_."

Ouch, that did hurt me a lot. However, I felt like Laslow was very wrong - I did draw so much importance to love and romance! As well as that, I just...appreciated the finer things in life.

"Hey, I'm not just an emotionless sex machine!"

"Really, are you not? ...I thought otherwise."

"Laslow, give me a break."

"Hah, I shall - but only if you explain what happened yesterday. I need all the details. Xander did mention something, but not quite - I need your version."

Thus, if he needed an explanation, then I fulfilled the responsibility - soon, I had filled him in on yesterday's news while he listened closely to my recount. In the end, I had expected him to comfort me, tell me that it will definitely get better between us and that Kamui was wrong to treat me like that - but instead, I heard him release a very amused chuckle.

"Wow...and I thought your prior thirst could not be surpassed. Seems like you're more desperate than before! You know that if the Boss learns of this fact, he will not be happy, right?"

"I know, I was a goddamned idiot, Laslow...but I really do love him! I want him to see it, I've been trying to make him see it, and it still doesn't work. With anyone, I only needed one night and they were completely infatuated - it's been a week or so with Kamui, with no good results."

"Well, maybe first you could think about how to not act like a lovesick idiot? If he doesn't love you now, the only method you can utilize to make him love you is to do it all in small steps...not enormous magic shows, Niles. That is not effective for people. I slowly warmed up to Xander, we both took our time, and now look - we're almost up to discussions about engagement and potentially, marriage."

I glanced at Kamui's sleeping brother once again - his face looked like a bright ray of sunshine, and I instantly knew he was thinking of Laslow. He seemed so blissfully happy, like nothing could ever ruin his mood on this Earth save for Laslow's death or disappearance. That's what love makes people like, I thought longingly. Oh, how I wished Kamui would smile at me like that at least once. But until now, I had only seen him look like this when next to Silas - a very beautiful romance I had the main role in ruining.

"So I'm just supposed to do it all slowly? No rush?"

"Exactly. And for God's sake, you better use my advice at least this once. I didn't go out of my way to tell you what to do for fun - I'm actually quite tired, but I wanted to help repair what's between you and Kamui. Honestly, we're friends and I wish the best for you - but for the love of God, Niles, don't screw this up. I'm Kamui's brother's partner and if you dare do one more terrible thing to this boy, I will not stop myself or Xander from ending your life. You have my promise."

As kind and polite as Laslow always managed to look with his shining grin and welcoming eyes, I knew I had to take his word seriously - after all, he had one of the most important men in this country with him, and I couldn't risk my own death so soon. Especially at the hand of the subject of my affection's brother. That would be plain terrible, not to mention shameful.

"Yeah yeah, I'll remember that - don'tcha worry, pretty boy."

"I'm glad. Otherwise I'll have you served at Nohr's biggest banquet in two weeks."

"As a sexual treat?"

Laslow looked so frighteningly fed-up with me at that moment, I was honestly thinking he would lash out at me.

"No. As food."

"Sheesh, brighten up a little, lover boy. Anyways, I'll be going - I have a person I must visit right now."

"If it's Kamui who you're visiting and he calls Xander in the next two days complaining about you, you are nothing but dead meat."

"Okay okay, I'm going! Have fun with Mr Stick-Up-His-Ass!"

Before Laslow could catch me by the hood of my cape, I fled right out of his hands and dashed across the rooftops all the way from West Nohr to East Nohr while avoiding all other fellow outlaws who would not hesitate to have me chased and robbed of all belongings, then killed. Despite this very looming and overwhelming danger, I absolutely adored jumping off roofs and climbing chimneys, and hopping across gaps otherwise uncrossable - it was a very exhilarating activity, one that gave me the daily dose of adrenaline I craved regularly. It also enabled me to practise my skills, which would undoubtedly be needed for something one day. That's what I told everyone - in truth, it just relaxed me to run by the light of the moon where none but the most experienced could even try to catch me. It allowed me to think about the passing day in peace and organize my thoughts, whilst the mischievous wind danced near my ears and whispered sweet nothings into the starry skies.

However, when I neared Kamui's street, I had to climb down a few stories of a building - in seconds, I was on the ground, ready to dash off to the block where my beloved probably slept and dreamt of the lost innocent imagery imaginable

Entering the block was easy, since someone had left the entrance door open (silly, thoughtless people). However, when I climbed the stairs to flat number eight, my pursuit suddenly met quite the obstacle.

The door was shut.

Now, if I wasn't good ol' Niles, then I may have met an impassable barrier that would cause me to turn tail and come back tomorrow when Kamui (hopefully) would open the door for me. However, since Niles was my first name and my middle name was Clever (and the last was Sexy), I was able to pick up a conveniently dropped piece of wire and fiddle with it long enough to make a key that would fit the door. It looked very bent out of shape, and I was praying that it would do the job and get me inside.

When I pushed it inside the keyhole, turned the wire and then pressed the handle, I felt blessed by the Gods to see the door slowly squeak open and reveal the interior of the calm flat within.

When I entered the small student apartment, I heard the emptying voice of silence murmur into my ear. Supposing that Kamui had probably been sleeping all day and he still was, I creeped down the miniature foyer into the living room where a blanketed body was lying on the couch. It hadn't been moving even an inch, save for little rises and descends of the stomach from inhaling and exhaling, respectively. Suddenly, I felt very relieved that Kamui was safe, and decided to gently take my place next to his feet at the other end of the couch.

It had been a peaceful rest, until I noticed that some glass shards had been scattered all over the wooden panels - then, it finally hit me how emotional Kamui must have felt after all that happened, and how furious he must have been as to start throwing objects around. My guilt increased as I glanced at his relaxed sleeping face, which bore no pain of the past day.

Suddenly, his eyes gently fluttered open and I froze in place. As much as I wanted to flee right then, I wouldn't have been fast enough even if I tried. He squinted at me for a few minutes, probably trying to adjust his eyes to seeing me, and I was preparing for a blow that would singlehandedly dispose of me once again.

"Niles...? Is that you?"

"Y-Yes, it's me."

He seemed to process what I said, and then he smiled innocently.

"Ah, Niles...how happy I am to see you. Please don't be sad. I didn't mean to be so angry at you."

I relaxed a little when I realized that he must be thinking that he's still stuck in some dream. I did become a little ecstatic by the fact that he dreamt of me though. Funnily enough, I played along.

"Oh, no no, I'm not sad at all."

"Are you sure, dear? You seemed to be crying moments ago..."

"I was?"

"Yes, you were...you seemed very regretful of your prior actions..."

Well, even if stuck in a dreaming trance, Kamui was never wrong - from the moment when I cornered him yesterday, I felt insanely guilty and my mind was filled with nothing but bad mistakes and regret. I had been utterly pathetic to act so cowardly, in front of Kamui, no less. All to make him love me, even though that seemed futile in the end too.

"I can't deny that. I am very regretful. I'm so sorry of what I did, Kamui."

As his smile seemed to brighten up even more than when he saw me, my heart shattered once again, remembering that the sane and conscious Kamui would never smile for me like that - I would be lucky if he even agreed to look at me after what I did.

"Haha...it's fine, I forgive you. Thank you, Niles. You're such a resilient man. Promise me you won't give up on me, okay?"

It felt shocking to hear that from Kamui himself even if it wasn't under normal conditions - but even if I wanted to, I couldn't refuse his sweet offer.

"Of course I won't, Kamui. I...I love you too much to just give up on you."

He laughed bashfully, which sounded like a harmonised chorus filling the room with its joy. Then, still having the blue blanket resting on top of him, he sat up on the couch and bent forward, slowly encircling his warm arms around my own, clinging to it like a plush toy. It took me way too much energy to restrain myself from waking him up or at least kissing him right then. It felt like God himself was testing my powers.

"I lo...lo...ve..."

I desperately waited for him to say the phrase - even though it wouldn't mean anything, even though he wouldn't remember it when he would wake up, even though he'd be denying it still as we speak - I'd hear it roll off gracefully from his tongue like a glorified psalm. My wait proved useless though, as he gradually tightened his grip on my arm and finally fell asleep, never finishing what he began. By holding my arm so tightly, he had also effectively tied me to himself and made me stay, as I did not have the heart nor the energy to remove his adorable sleeping form off of me. Thus, after five minutes of watching my little Kamui sleep, I also decided to give myself to the unknown darkness of unconsciousness.

It felt like minutes later I had woken up the sound of a person screaming and a fist being inserted right at my cheek. Instantly, I opened my eyes to see a white-haired boy in crumpled clothes and a blanket standing a few steps away from me with a knife in hand. He looked absolutely terrified of my relaxed form on his untidy couch.

_Welp, so much for peaceful sleep._

"H-How did you get here."

"I picked the lock - simple."

Even though Kamui was the one holding the weapon, he was shaking way more than I was.

"Get out of this house. _Right now_."

"Kamui, please stop with these theatrics and let me talk to you."

"I said GET OUT!"

I was afraid this was the only time I was incapable of fulfilling his wishes - thus, I stood up. But instead of heading towards the doors, I walked right towards Kamui and the edge of his pointed blade.

"D-Don't get any closer to me."

A few steps closer, and I noticed that he began shaking even more. It was imperative for me to disarm him or he'd drop the knife and get hurt himself - but soon its glistening blade was a milimetre away from my neck. I was cautious of my every move as I saw Kamui's eyes darken.

"I SAID, DON'T GET ANY CLOSER! YOU WRETCHED DEMON."

Even though I was at the divide between life and death at that moment, I still held out my pointing finger and gently pushed the weaponry away from myself, making Kamui's knife hand drop. He didn't resist me, perhaps out of shock, or just the inability to hurt me. As brave as Kamui was, I knew he was incapable of hurting someone he cared for, as much as he wanted to deny it.

I knew that his stern expression was trying to convince me that he couldn't care less about me at that moment - and yet, his hesitation to assault me proved otherwise.

The longer he stared at me with his melancholic and fatigued teary eyes, the more I wanted to avert my gaze from such potent suffering. Don't get me wrong, I adored seeing people get hurt, cry, scream in agony - but when it was Kamui that was affected, it wasn't the same. It felt very concerning, even. Neither did he resist me when I reached my hand forward and pulled out the knife from his hand, setting it on the coffee table without a sound. He didn't take his eyes off of mine even for a second, searching for something inside of them which I could not identify. When the knife was not in his reach, I realized he looked very small, frail - frightened. I suspected he was frightened of me, which made the desire of hugging him and persuading him that I was safer than he supposed much more prominent in my mind.

"I hate you s-so much. I _hate_ you. I wish you died. I wish someone killed you. I wish I killed you so you could suffer in repentance to what you did. I wish you never existed..."

Even though I did appear rather unaffected by Kamui's raging emotions, inside I was deeply hurt by his words. I loved him with my entire heart, and it only tortured me further to see him so pained by my mistake and wishing I didn't exist. I desired to be furious at him, to scream at him until both of us went equally deaf - but I couldn't force myself to.

I loved him too much.

Even though the crumpled boy couldn't stand my very existence, he let himself be embraced when my arms snaked around his body. After a few minutes of calm silence, he snuggled his face into the crook of my neck and began to cry quietly. I wanted to understand that gesture as loving, reciprocating, affectionate, not just a desperate reach for consolation, but at the same time I didn't allow myself to experience more disappointment that day.

"N-Niles...I'm so weak..."

I pat his back affectionately - I wished I could stop him from crying. I was ready to do anything. Regrettably, I settled for simple worded comfort.

"We're all weak, y'know? Don't hurt yourself over a trait we all share. We're all weak in some way but we all deal with that fact differently."

"Y-You think so? Then how do you deal with w-weakness?"

I always found it difficult to confess how I dealt with problems of my own. I used to pretend I didn't have any, hiding them from anyone and everyone and keeping a mask around the closest acquaintances. But how would I refuse Kamui's upset features? I decided that, just this once, I could expose myself just a little to the person I adored so much, even if they had already completely rejected me.

"I...I go and gaze at the moon. It calms me down a lot, and helps me to sort out everything I couldn't otherwise. I've been doing it since I was little."

When I finished my explanation, I was expecting Kamui to laugh at me, berate me, call me out on being soft for staring at the moon which is a useless coping method - the panic within me rose and I realized I wasn't even prepared for such hatred from him. If he were to voice that towards me, I don't think I would be able to take it.

I closed my eyes and waited through the silence. After several minutes of thinking, Kamui softly spoke -

"...Is that what you do?"

_There we go, now he is going to mock me for it._

"Yes, that is what I do. If you want to turn all this into a joke, then do it now. I'm ready to take the criticism."

Suddenly, Kamui's head left my neck and he pulled back a little in order to be able to face me. Feeling cold air sweep into the forsaken space, I stared intensely into Kamui's shocked irises.

"Niles...did you seriously suppose that I would just use your coping method and turn it into some sort of sick joke? I would never do that - maybe we're not on the best terms right now, but I _never_ use misuse people's trust to make fun of them. That is disgusting, and I hope I never degrade to that level."

Feeling guilty again for assuming something so ridiculous, I scratched the back of neck and averted my eyes off of Kamui's - I really couldn't face him at that moment.

"W-Well, that's great to hear. I'm sorry I assumed that."

Although I was waiting for Kamui to smile at me, or return to our profound embrace, all the boy did was nod approvingly, his face an expressionless mask.

"It is no problem. Understandable - seeing as you're not a very trusting person, I've observed."

After Kamui left my arms, there was little left to converse about - we stood awkwardly in front of each other and the boy's face looked so adorably slept-in and innocent. His eyes, even though looking more conscious than usual, still had a trace of their prior dreamy appearance left inside, and it was difficult to not take an another step, arch my head a little and clasp my lips with his.

However, to distract myself from his cute and sleepy get-up, I decided to touch on an another topic while it was still fresh in our minds.

"So, uh...were you dreaming about me?"

A bright blush faintly appeared on the boy's cheeks, and he stood frozen on the spot in surprise due to me deciding to talk about his dreams of all things.

"As much as I'd love to lie to you right now, I have to say yes. It was strange - one dream was about you sitting here on the couch and apologizing for yesterday? And I also think you said you 'loved me' or some other stupid phrase..."

After getting my hopes up, all I felt was discontented disappointment - so not only did he completely dismiss that situation as a dream, he also called my confessions 'stupid'. I was betting that he probably didn't even believe me when I apologized. Immediately, in order to erase my footprints, I played along with him.

"Did I say that? Wow, that really does sound stupid. Although I do agree with my dream-self that I am very sorry for what happened."

Kamui only spared me a 'do you really' disagreeing glance before rushing to explain the other dream, and I decided to not interrupt him then. I was treading on very thin ice with the boy anyway - there was literally no point for me to alienate us from each other even more, when what I've been trying to harvest in him was trust and love for me.

"The other dream was even more odd - you were kneeling, completely unclothed, in the middle of a grey void, and it was raining. Your body was very wet - being curious about the entire scene, I decided to walk closer to you, and noticed some sort of weird white formations behind your naked back. And then I realized - they were wings! Behind you, there were literal angelic wings - and I wanted to touch them but I stopped since you suddenly began to cry. You looked extremely miserable - as if you had no strength to go on at all, like you wanted to die right there."

 _Gods_ , I thought. _That_ _does_ _sound_ _frightening_ \- _it's_ _also_ _the most unfortunate dream he could be having about me. He isn't wrong about the misery though - I still feel very sorry for what happened_...

"Since you had been facing the ground and weeping endlessly, I took that moment to touch one of the feathers in your wings - and then it magically floated to the ground. I remember smirking very maliciously at you, and then deciding to touch every single feather that was perched upon your back. As more of them fell, your cries increased in volume and I felt so oddly satisfied, I continued my plot. It seemed like ages until all that was left of your majestic wings was a pile of water-soaked feathers resting uselessly on the ground. Then, you stood up and looked at me with such heart-wrenching sadness and betrayal, I reached out towards you with my hand and the dream ended."

I completely did not know what to think then. That dream sounded like an absolutely insane rollercoaster of weird events, which felt very alarming. Why was he having dreams about me like this?

"Wow. That sounds like a...very wild dream. Although I cannot help but concentrate on the details - you dreamt of me _naked_?"

When the realization dawned on him, Kamui punched my right arm lightly and proceeded to hide his flushing face from me. My hands automatically reached for him, desperate to see him heat up in front of me, and that's how we got into a very crazy game of tag around his small apartment.

We were able to run a few circles in a few minutes, tripping over tables and chairs and couches and huffing tirelessly, small breaths escaping from our scarlet faces. It was one of those moments I didn't want to ever end - I could think that, right now, we could be together and if even the grumpiest neighbours saw us, they could not deny it. Kamui looked lovely with disheveled hair in half-off half-on pyjama tshirt and shorts, grasping a long navy blanket in his hand desperately, guffawing so loud the silence had no place to fill in. How I wished to capture this adorably innocent look.

"Did you literally not hear anything else past the word 'naked'?!"

"Hah, but that word was a scandalous one - it drew my attention. Besides, if you want to see me naked once again, then you don't even have to ask, Kamui~"

" _Niles_!!"

"Screaming my name already? I'm warning you, if you won't start running fast enough, I _will_ catch you and _won't_ hesitate wanting to hear that sound again."

"Haha, let's see if you're capable of doing that!"

His words were dissolved in a rush of ecstatic laughter, which became louder every single time I was an inch closer to catching him. Thank God I was excellent at both fleeing and chasing - soon, I was able to catch his t-shirt in my hand and subsequently tackle the little man to the ground.

At that moment, it felt like I had little restraint left - I was positioned right above him, completely dominating the situation, whilst he was left to stare at me in surprise. When he realized the embarrassing position we were in, his furious blush resurfaced, but he didn't attempt to fight back.

"I, uh, thanks for r-running around with me. It was really fun."

Paying little attention to what he was saying, I straddled his legs and kept them between mine. Now that his legs couldn't move, he wasn't able to flee - he must have realized that too since his hands tightened into little fists.

"N-Niles, what are you doing?"

Oh, how I felt the endless desire pulsate within my body! It was nighttime, everyone was asleep, and no one would be able to stop me from enjoying some time with my lovely Kamui. All feelings from yesterday returned to me in the form of an energetic rush - I decided that I'd have my way with him, even if my mind was telling me that this could be the point of no return. I'd have my way with him even if it cost me my life - I wanted him more than anyone else, even if his prior shining grin was replaced with a frightened frown. Thus, I began to lower my towering body onto his, much to Kamui's visible discomfort. I think he was whispering something in panic, but to this day, I can't understand what he was saying in my daze of passion. Ignoring Kamui's pleading looks, I used my hand to pull back his shirt and reveal his bare chest.

"Niles, p-please stop this right now!"

Oh, he looked so helpless then - so shocked, so submissive, it was almost adorable. I persisted, however, arching my head down towards his exposed chest and biting at it gently.

"As I said, s-stop thi _...ah, Niles...Niles!"_

I have to admit, his enticing moans riled me up further than I thought. I've been wanting this for such a long time, I was going increasingly insane. I loved him so much, I desired him more than anything, I wanted to make him mine at that moment. I had been slowly moving down, kissing his soft skin devoid of scars, preparing to bite harder when I felt something cold and wet drip and soak into my hair.

I lifted my head up and when I looked at Kamui, I felt mortified. He was crying and shaking. He didn't look pleasured or happy, but absolutely miserable. Wanting to comfort him this time, I brought my right hand closer to his cheek to caress it gently, but he shied away from my touch with potent terror in his eyes. Then, I finally understood what I did.

I misused his trust for my benefit. Exactly what he promised he'd never do with me.

"K-Kamui...I'm so sorry, I really don't know what possessed me just now...I didn't want to do this, I-I promise..."

He looked no more keen to be touched by me as he was keen to listen to my excuses. With his look of pure horror, he concentrated on me and opened his lips to speak, voicing no more than a feeble whisper.

"P-P-Please. Tell me. W-Why?"

It was difficult to answer him, when all I could concentrate on were his weak shaking fists, his quivering lips, his incoherent whispers. It felt like I had done something so irreversible, he would never forgive me for it and I'd never live this guilt down. It would stay with me for the rest of my life, reminding me of this mistake.

Kamui wasn't as durable as the hardwood women or men of the street who seeked pleasure every night. In comparison to their unbreakable exterior, Kamui was a set of porcelain left on the edge of a shelf during an earthquake - it didn't take too much to break him at all. But I had understood that too late, much too late.

"I-I gave you my e-entire trust...didn't I?"

I nodded solemnly.

"W-What have y-you done with it? Spent it like a t-token for p-pleasure at a f-funfair?"

It pained me even more that Kamui had to refer to yesterday's incident - I felt so unimaginably guilty and those questions felt like they were digging the regret hole even deeper than earlier. I didn't desire forgiveness where it wasn't due, but I at least wanted to talk this over with him and maybe convince him to accept my apology. However, he had different ideas, and his pained, teary eyes were telling me that it was time for me to leave.

"P-Please. Go."

"Kamui, let me explain--"

"Explain t-this? No. Please just g-go. I don't want t-to look at you."

Knowing that it would be pointless to argue with him and would only cause the damage to strengthen, I gently rearranged his tshirt to cover his chest like it had been and stood up. Without an another glance towards the man who I had faulted, I opened the doors and shut them forcefully, setting off downstairs and subsequently into town, covered with the night's sensuous veil.

My walk through the numerous forsaken streets was longer than I anticipated - as I purposedly got lost to take my mind off things, I began to feel more free than ever. I felt at home, lonely in the streets without a soul to confide in. That was my nature, and what I had been used to my entire life - there was no debate about that. And yet, even though it was at least the thousandth time I saw that same neon sign pointing to a wild nightclub and at least the fiftieth time I saw the same gang of rebellious teenagers smoke something forbidden in a gloomy sideroad, I couldn't help but feel a little unsettled.

When I walked into the more secluded part of time, where, at this hour, there were no operating mobs or shining clubs, my suspicions were realized - due to having an extremely sharpened sense of hearing, I could hear gentle steps sneaking closer at least two kilometres away.

But when I turned out, the street remained asleep, devoid of a single living soul but myself.

I decided to continue walking at the same relaxed pace as to not be intimidated, but also watch out more for the hidden attacker. From the prior steps, I could sense that the person was most likely a skilled, perhaps even a trained outlaw or thief who could possibly best me at this game - and that alarmed me more than I initially supposed it would have.

Suddenly, I heard someone madly rushing down an adjacent rooftop and before I could flee from the blow, someone had jumped onto my shoulders and toppled me to the ground. I immediately tried to fight back, but my hands were already tied - I was very much fearing to see who I would get murdered by today.

All in all, it was pleasant surprise to see a little teenage girl stare me down like a scientist glaring at a lifeless corpse who didn't consent donating their brain to biology.

"This is an assault! Now, give me all money you have, you scum."

When I began to laugh at her vicious efforts to frighten me, she stomped her little boots on the ground and I could almost see furious steam escaping from her twin braids.

"Stop laughing! This is a serious attack!"

She took out a miniature dagger the size of my hand and held it out at me intimidatingly. I didn't stop guffawing still, and she only gained in redness, kicking my exposed ribs in fury. In theory, yes, a kick to the ribs would damage a human even permanently, but her kicks were as forceful as little knocks on a church confessional. She was a harmless butterfly, but with an extreme amount of energy to release in form of anger.

"CAN YOU STOP? You're pissing me off! Just hand me your money, and I'll leave!"

"And who do I have the honour of talking with?"

"Why do you care!?"

After a long pause, she sighed in discontent and pocketed the dagger, leaving me alone to lie on the cold pavement, hands still attached without a way out.

"Okay okay...it's Nina."

"Nina, huh? Lovely name. Why are you outside, kid? At this hour, the streets can get dangerous - strong men like me can kidnap you in seconds."

"Strong? Pfft, you're as strong as a herring inside a net on a ship's deck, that's how strong you are."

"...that's because you've tied me down. Trust me, when I'm fully mobile and upright, I have great combat potential."

It was her turn to cackle gracefully, as I glared at her - I had never met a similarly snarky kid ever before. Not that I had been exposed to many kids anyway - but Nina's behaviour and talk completely took the cake for me. Even though she could probably pull off an argument with anyone her major AND kill them without a second glance (including me), I was taking a like to her already nonetheless.

She reminded me of my own defiance, in some way. Even if her malicious expression didn't look so flattering from the down here on the cold pavement.

"Anyways, why were you looking so sad back there?"

To be fair, I didn't want to tell her why I was upset and embarrass myself even further. By not replying, she grew impatient, stomping her foot right next to my ear with arms folded over her chest.

"Your hundredth girlfriend left you for a better alternative?"

_"...Nina."_

"Okay! Sorry, you just seem like one of those guys women call when they need a momentary substitute for a husband who's away for a while!"

"Wow, thanks for being sincere."

Taking my sarcastic compliment seriously, she grinned.

"Hah, no problem. I know I'm great, you don't need to tell me."

If I had free will over my hands at that moment, I would have not hesitated from snaking my arms around her throat and then strangling her in seconds. Slowly, I came to an understanding that if she was somewhat a reflection of myself and I couldn't stand her for more than ten minutes, just how tough was it for other people to survive me? _Pretty_ _much_ _impossible_ , I smiled to myself - I made no plans to change my personality, however. It was just an observation. Changing myself for other people showed weakness, and I wasn't ready to display that just yet. Nor was I ready to spend anymore time with this malevolent brat - thus, I wanted to cut our meeting short immediately.

"Okay Nina, I've had enough playing with you - can you untie me now? I have better things to do than talk to you about my miserable life."

"But this is a serious assault...! You're supposed to be frightened and give me your money!"

I think that my facial expression convinced her I was the stark opposite of 'frightened', and her prior smile soured.

"Fine, I'll untie you...Sheesh, way to be a killjoy? Can you be a little more positive or something for once?"

Despite her loud groaning, she managed to quickly free my hands from the entrapment of rope and I finally stood up, feeling so liberated like never before. Being able to move my hands was a blessing - I immediately followed my fingers as they waved around, rejoicing in the embrace of freedom. Out of the corner of my eye, the teenage girl traced my movements with a look that told me she thought I had never moved my limbs before.

I solemnly smiled at her in gratitude.

"Thanks, kid. To be fair, you're not a bad thief. And this opinion is coming from a master outlaw who's been stuck in the streets since childhood."

Her eyes gained a shine of admiration I had never seen before - suddenly, she jumped closer to me and hung onto my arm like a monkey, all while looking into my eyes in pure ecstasy.

"Wow!! So you're a thief as well? Gosh, that's so cool! I can't believe I just captured an experienced thief..."

I ruffled her hair and shook my head at her silliness - it felt like she didn't know what it meant to steal from an early age at all. She didn't know the difficult struggle of trying to survive with nothing to lose or gain every single day, a life turned into a deadly loop with the desire to die increasing with each passing, painful second.

"Wait, but where's my money?! I tried to assault you and yet I got nothing out of it..."

Instantly, I rolled my eyes at her and dragged out a single coin from my pockets - when I dropped it into her hands, her mouth instantly watered at the sight of it and she enveloped me in a very awkward hug.

"Oh Gosh, thank you so so much Mr Thief! You have saved my life...now I can go back to the gang and tell them that the most dangerous thief in the country bowed down to my reflexes and skill and even surrendered a coin in the end! Yes, that sounds perfect - now, all the boys will finally agree with my plans, like pairing them together on big raids... _Ahh, yes, the sight of two males, oh so passionately fighting for each other in battle...Even the thought itself gives me the chills, I cannot wait!"_

Throughout her monologue, I understood all that she said until she began mumbling something about plans and boys - that's where I completely lost her. She went from being very madly excited and jumping around in joy to being rooted in the pavement and murmuring under her breath with this rather dangerous smirk on her face. I have to admit I did feel mildly creeped out - she looked like me during a particularly strong arousal episode - but nonetheless, I was curious to find out what she was so cheerful about either way.

"Uh, Nina? Why do you look so red and why is there steam escaping from your lips? Also, is that...drool...?"

Her smile immediately disappeared and she pocketed her coin, already turning around and walking back where she came from.

"N-None of your business! Goodbye, Mr Thief! _...haha! Cute boys, cute young boys fighting side-by-side, cute innocent young boys falling in battle and bringing each other back to health - this needs a special fic and I shall get to it soon..."_

Once the madhouse was out of earshot, I began dashing in the opposite direction of where she went - I was completely creeped out by that little girl. Who raised her into such an insane kid?! Not only was she a little too much into stealing for her age, her behaviour was beyond abnormal - girls, I've observed, usually screamed about being with boys, not about boys being with boys. They adored make-up and going out with friends - not being cooped up in their antisocial personal bubbles whilst daydreaming away about romance which will never come to fruitition. Not having enough energy within myself to continue this frail train of thought, I shelved the topic of Nina away, somewhere behind Kamui, Kamui's personality and my love for Kamui.

I wished I could have rewinded time - like a cassette in an old stereo, just press a single button which would rewind the film back to that train on a hazy Tuesday morning, filled with curiosity for the unknown and the grateful smile of a cute college student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, I only have a few chapters planned but I need a few ideas for fluffy kamuzero interaction for quite a while - this is a chance to get your ideas in!! If you have any suggestions, please don't hesitate to hmu :0!!  
> I hope ya'll enjoyed this chapter :^) in the next one, we're introducing a new character and a new ship too oops  
> Please leave kudos and comments if you liked it, thank you!!  
> Toodles, see you in the next update!!


	8. Sixth Meeting: no forgiveness?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a particularly tiring sequence of events, Kamui decides to relax and get his mind off of a few unpleasant troubles by visiting his younger brother. We all know that Niles is a very determined man, however.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, my apologies for this really late update!!! After summer vacation ended, I didn't know my last year of high school would get really busy - but it did, and I wasn't prepared!! Therefore, I am so sorry for updating two months later ;-; it took me ages to write this as I think I have been suffering from a lengthy case of writer's block as well as just general school overload  
> Despite that, I'll make sure that this fic goes on nonetheless - it'll not stop or go on hiatus, I shall write it until I end it.  
> So here's a chapter!! I hope you enjoy it, please leave comments/kudos if you like it!! ;0; I'll try to speed up the next one but that may be utterly impossible since my halfyear exams are coming up :')))  
> (Also I got Fire Emblem Warriors today and I saw Niles in HD and heard him speak and I was able to admire this blessed man he looks so beautiful)

I did not know how long the night lasted. It may have lasted for days or weeks or months, for all I cared - shock and paralysis still encompassed my body as my eyes fluttered open at the sign of light peeking through the living room windows. I had been way too hopeful though - there was no light but grey clouds. The landscape of outside and yesterday's misty yet faintly outrageous events combined into a rather frustrating and painful headache in my mind, scattering all thoughts that may have previously been housed there. My feeble eyes left the sullied cotton candy in the sky and I fell back onto the bed again, feeling like I had just survived through a hangover despite never even touching alcohol.

"Ugh...my head...It all feels so painful. I wish that someone were with me right now, who would be able to go out and buy me some pills..."

Of course, the first person that flitted through my mind was Niles - unfortunately so, as suddenly struck with the bad memories, the room I was in became too small to breathe in, too packed with tainted air to feel comfortable. My breaths were becoming increasingly deeper and my throat yearned for fresh air as I madly threw the sticky with sweat blanket off my shivering body and dashed towards the kitchen window above the sink. Choking on heavily-sated air, I blindly fiddled with the window handle before opening it and all of a sudden, feeling a chilly gush of wind splash my face like a torrent. 

It was refreshing, to say the least - and even though the image of the gloomy outside managed to sour my mood, I was still grateful for the fresh air which stopped me from completely suffocating. I climbed on too of the surrounding kitchen counter and bravely pushed my head outside the window, feeling the gentle breeze turning into a loud tornado within my ears. The street looked quiet, synonymous to a ghost town - there was barely anyone crossing the zebra or even driving by. The shops looked so dark and unwelcoming, suddenly I wasn't so eager to face the world anymore. I was sure I wanted to just close myself off from just about anyone and burrow my head under a tower of blankets, and sleep. Sleep, dream of bliss and scenarios which had never been, and never wake up again. 

At that moment, eating, or family, or school for that matter, meant little to me. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know who to ask for help. I was entrapped in a cage made out of shame and fear, and I didn't attempt to escape it lest I'd elicit more self-hatred in myself than before. I was an adult man, and I wished I had the predispositions to live up to my age - and yet, after such an odd situation, I was unable to get on with life normally. It clouded all my thoughts in mist, it materialised itself in the most calm moments, it would not leave me alone however much I tried. I needed to speak to someone about it, but the desire to keep my honour about me as well as not puzzle my siblings with my useless troubles prevented me from doing anything to stop those thoughts. It was a deadly loop, really - something happens, I need help, I don't want to trouble anyone, I hate myself even more - and it continued. And with every single time it repeated, my self-deprecation grew like a garden of weeds.

Once I shut the window after breathing in enough air to stop the nauseous feeling, I scanned my living room. All energy left me after I realized in what a state it had been. The dining chairs had collapsed and been set up around the room like deadly landmines. I noticed that the table had been shuffled two inches to the upper-right, a detail that frustrated me greatly. The small carpet in front of the sofa was in the worst state I had ever seen it - its corners were in absolute dishevel, and it was so folded its ornate pattern was unrecognizable. Pillows were strewn all around the floor like a sullied white path, some of them even pierced to reveal a pile of feathers slowly falling out of the cover.

I groaned quietly to myself - I'd have to rearrange this all before someone decided to come in here and complain about the mess. It looked like a thief had entered and in a panic, completely searched every corner of the room. Not that I had been incorrect - a thief did enter, indeed. But his aim was to not ruin the room, but ruin me.

While overlooking the room, I did catch sight of my post-its on the fridge, which was near invisible under the collection of yellow reminders - seeing one with a date that was, incidentally, today's date, I gently ripped it off the stacks upon stacks, hearing the glue weep painfully under my fingers.

Under the date, there was a reminder - one that I had clearly written on a better day.

"XX/xx/????

To Kamui,  
Remember that you have arranged a meeting with Leo for today! Therefore, you absolutely cannot ignore this reminder - you know how angry the little bro will be. You've been putting this off for months, you cannot fail him now!

Give it your best, Kamui, I know you can do it!  
\- Kamui ♡"

Once I read the note, it was the first time I had allowed myself a small smile that day - to think that a few days ago, I used to be so painfully positive, it felt like my change of mood was stabbing my heart with needles. I was wishing that I could come back to this happiness very soon - but first, I had to start with explaning my problem to somebody else. 

With this opportunity presenting itself, it would have been a mistake not to use it and relieve myself from this tragic state.

Thus, my main task for today was to man up and go to visit my younger brother, Leo - despite yesterday's events lulling me into false security, I was determined to still leave home and meet my sibling. I had been putting off this meeting long enough due to heavy homework, heavy responsibilities and heavy life, and I decided that I could not push it even further without starting to feel guilty. Therefore, it was only logical that I should have gathered enough strength in order to store yesterday's misfortunes in a box, and then send it off without a delivery address on a trip around nothingness.

As I walked out of my home, I glanced quickly at my favourite tree - for the few years I had been living in this appartment, this tree always served as a loyal companion, as many of its branches always managed to knock on my window most of the time when the wind happened to pass by. Sometimes, I used to climb out of my window and onto the tree, and observe the life go by on the often busy Nohrian street, which was usually a good method of relaxation for me. This tree was an image of power, and might, and growth and development too - and one that was given for me to use.

Although the journey took a while through the crowded pavements of Nohr and similarly, traffic-jammed streets of Nohr, it wasn't long until I had been climbing a tall appartment building in the prominent suburbs of western Nohr. I was hurrying so much to get to my brother's house at a respectable time, I almost tripped on half of a staircase. By the time I had reached the correct door number, I was huffing and puffing and sweating madly, my shaking hand resting over the wooden surface of the doors as I was about to knock.

However, from behind the seemingly very thin walls, I could hear high-pitched voices singing with words I couldn't distinguish. Possibly they hadn't even been of my own language, I assumed, and tried to shake off the strange feeling that the song elicited in me as I heard an another, much more masculine voice increase in volume until it was just as, if not more, deafening than the background music. Soon, it became possible to hear each and every word of the furious male - and he was not satisfied at the noise created by his friend's 'passion'.

"Oh for Naga's sake, this is the last time I shall tell you - can you PLEASE turn it DOWN?!"

But the other male, seemingly humming along with the escalating tune, did not concentrate on the warning at all - that is, until his music was turned off with a quiet click. 

Then, I could finally hear him wail in discomfort.

"Nooo!! O why have you so much hatred for me to mute my current source of happiness?!"

"I have told you many times, and this is where I draw the line. I am tired of this. Especially on a Tuesday afternoon."

"B-But--"

"My patience is wearing thin."

There was silence for a few moments, before the optimistic man began to voice a few more dramatic wails.

"I think someone needs a hug!"

"No, I don't need a--"

"I definitely know what you require at this dire time!! I shall gift you with the most wonderful and empowering embrace ever - the legendary Content Cuddle, a technique passed through generations!!"

There was a horrified gasp from the other male, before he seemingly started to back away from his dramatic companion.

"No. No, no, no, leave me alone, and don't touch me. I don't want your hug."

His mad friend uttered a very concerningly evil chuckle before I heard his footsteps get closer and closer to the other man with each passing second. His fright was so potent that I could feel it through the closed doors, and even imagine his twisted features as he was backed against a wall.

"Just what shall you do now, pitiful creature?! I, the famed sorcerer, wise magician, mighty spellcaster by the name of Od--"

And then I opened the doors to their flat and let myself in casually, as if it had been my own home - I noticed that they were not locked, and therefore it was only a small feat to enter. Immediately, Leo's desperate eyes honed in on my face. He pushed away his alleged assaulter and dashed towards me, eager to welcome me in (but we all know he just didn't want to receive one of his friend's terrifying hugs). He caught my hand in his and gave me the most sincere smile in the world - well, best one that he could give while donning a black tshirt decorated with white splashes and some black pants. On top of his glistening blond hair rested his favourite headband, which let some of his beautiful hair tumble out onto his forehead.

"Ah, welcome, dear brother. I had been awaiting you."

"Hey hey, and when are you planning to introduce to him the most important man in this house?!"

In seconds, and certainly before I had been given time to reply, the other boy had appeared at Leo's side, beaming and proud to be leaning his shoulder on my brother's own. My sibling did not take this physical contact lightly, and instead shuffled to the left slightly, a reddening blush dawning on his pale cheeks.

"Uhh...dear brother, the man you are facing right now - his name is Odin."

"Ah, that's great! And to you, he is your...?"

Leo was very hesitant when it came to answering my question - he opened his mouth promptly a few times, eager to answer, but before a single word could escape his lips, they shut themselves again. He seemed so uncomfortable and anxious, clearly too stressed to reply, and I had no idea just how he was going to get this confession out of himself. Fortunately, however, after a few awkward minutes Odin just jumped in front of him with his hands out and gave me a bright smile, to save Leo the embarrassment of doubt.

"I'm his boyfriend!!"

Leo was so utterly shocked at Odin's straightforward terms - but his obnoxious blush couldn't seem to hide his true intentions however much he tried.

"No, you are NOT my boyfriend!"

"Leo's brother, don't listen to Leo - he's been spinning wild tales of lies just to conceal how much he cares for me - how admirable! We've been together for almost a month, and adore each other sincerely and deeply. I'm being honest - I love Leo!!"

Leo, who had been silently squirming in the nearby corner, twitched anxiously all throughout Odin's speech. He seemed very embarrassed that his partner was being so blunt about it all, but it didn't surprise me - after all, I never knew much about Leo anyway. He preferred to live within his own world with as little human interaction as possible - and therefore, we were never close during childhood as he poured all of his effort and all of his passion into studies of necromancy, magic and unexplained events in the history of Nohr.

"Well, it's great to hear that you have been expanding your social horizons, Leo - I had made a bet with Xander when you were smaller that you would never have a significant other, and it seems like I'll have to give up a share of my earnings."

"A bet?! Did you seriously have a bet over whether I'd die without feeling the passion of love? You two are absolutely impossible..."

From there, the situation had calmed down significantly - with the cat finally out of the bag, the boys led me to the sitting room and offered me to sit down on a beige couch in front of a small, glass coffee table. Leo, rather than sit down, remained standing kindly at my side. I also proposed for him to sit down, but he refused immediately.

"Brother, a cup of tea is due - alas, what flavour?"

"Aw, how kind of you, Leo! I'll...I'll take the Earl Grey, thank you."

"Earl Grey? Are you sure?"

Even though I was initially puzzled by his statement, Leo soon began dangling a small teabag in front of my face with a gentle grin - I was so surprised to recognize it as my favourite flavour.

"You have strawberry mint tea?! My favourite!"

"Of course - it has been waiting for you in my kitchen cupboards since you promised you'd visit me half a year ago."

Although Leo did not mean to sound bitter - and certainly did not - my mind took his statement way overboard and made me feel extremely guilty for this abandonment. I didn't mean to put this meeting off for as long as I had - however, sometimes life was cruel and responsibilities were even worse, and I wasn't able to predict that when arranging and rearranging this meeting every single time.

I felt my smile twist unpleasantly.

"Apologies, Leo - you know that I didn't mean to--"

"Brother, trust me when I say this - it's perfectly fine. I understand that you have had many things to attend to, and therefore could not see me - and remember that I'm not a child. I can take care of myself."

Leo said, "I can take care of myself" as I observed his maturity and responsible nature being reflected in countless rock band posters scattered around the bleak walls of the living room.

"You say you're not a child, eh? Then just how much money have you burned on these pretty sheets of paper?"

Before I even let myself listen to Leo's response, I received a counterattack in the form of a pillow to the face, as he stormed out of the living room and into the kitchen, where Odin had been already resuming the playlist of his greatest tunes.

It wasn't long before Leo had completely removed him from the kitchen and I heard its door slam - in seconds, the blond boy had ran into the doorway of the living room, and stopped in front of me to strike a dynamic pose. However, as dynamic it was, I couldn't conceal that the hand which strangely covered half of his face and his ridiculously devilish grin had made me absolutely hysterical.

"I see that Leo has banned you from the kitchen?"

"Indeed!! But fear not, as it is only a temporary removal - it is no news that Leo cannot resist my heroic charm, and therefore he soon won't be able to flee from me any longer! I'll enchant him with my glorious spellcasting!"

"Certainly, I wouldn't disagree. Also, I'm most likely mistaken but - do you, by any chance, watch anime?"

The second I voiced the word 'anime', I heard Leo shout "Well, now you've done it!" over the loud whistle of the kettle from the kitchen. Immediately, Odin's usual smile had transformed into a wide grin, and I had already known that he was in his spirit.

"Yes! Of course I do - a hero would be unexperienced without witnessing combat, and therefore I do watch many genres including action! My favourite animation though, is Love Live School Idol Festival!"

"Really? I remember watching it some time ago - I also adored it a lot."

"That's super great!! This means we can discuss it for glorious eternity! Kamui, so which your favourite sub-unit in μ's?"

From there, the discussion flourished and we managed to talk about almost everything we could have come up with - I found out that his best girl was Rin because of her booming confidence and 'cuteness', however his best girl from Sunshine turned out to be Yohane. When I attempted to question him further about this oddly specific revelation, he confessed that "he can feel her unimaginable dark powers radiating from the screen" with a suspicious gleam in his eyes - I promptly abandoned that topic. Also, his favourite sub-units were CyaRon and Lily White, and that his "most amazing song that he listens to and annoys Leo with almost every single day" was Genki Zenkai DAY DAY DAY!! Looking at the tempo and positivity that this song carried, it was very easy to see just why Odin liked it so much - he was an optimistic, upbeat individual who didn't take 'no' for an answer, and was a welcome contrast at Leo's gloomy side - where Leo had perhaps been very reserved and serious, Odin was a powerful ball of energy, and his silly antics were impossible to not cause you to smile. They were a very well-matched duo, I deduced - but before I could make any other judgements, Leo slowly entered the room and disrupted our cheery conversation with his usual dull voice. 

As he laid the tea mugs down on the coffee table, he faced Odin with a steely stare.

"Have you been convincing my brother to get into this, this Japanese animation you are so addicted to?"

"Me? Oh no no, it turns out your brother watches the series as well! How fortunate, isn't it?"

Immediately, Leo turned towards me and gave a more intense iron glare of deep disappointment. He was very dissatisfied.

"Hm, how fortunate. I daresay, my brother - I'm quite ashamed."

"Oh come on, Leo - just grab a tea and chill. You just have terrible taste in TV shows, as always."

"Brother!"

After grabbing his mug the colour of a night sky, he settled beside Odin on a chair opposite my couch and we all delved into idle conversation in between sipping the pleasant tea.

After hours and hours of undisturbed chatter and constant discussion, I wasn't able to welcome a loud knock on the doors with a cheery grin - it had all been going so well, and I was thrown off guard to see Odin stand up in the middle of speaking to go and open the doors for the mysterious guest.

"Oh!! My deepest apologies, comrades - I totally forgot I invited a friend over and it seems like he has finally arrived!!"

If he were a friend of Odin's, I thought, I don't think he was going to be a pain. The world needed more bright and optimistic people like him. My kind smile resurfaced upon my lips, and my foreboding anxiety slowly faded away. There was nothing to be afraid of. My unease settled down for a moment and I faced the clicking doors, rapidly opening to reveal the person standing behind them.

Suddenly, I felt almost all colour drain from my face.

His pillow-soft silver hair, his leather coat, his mud-like skin, and those devilishly gleaming eyes - all breath had caught in my throat as I whispered his name.

"Niles."

He was smirking - until he saw me. 

When his eyes had rested on me, it was as if I felt his pleasant mood disappear and my insides twist into a terrible knot.

"I shall introduce my friend!! This handsome man of passion, magical charm and lusty motives - Leo, Kamui - this is Niles."

"Welcome to our humble abode, Niles. I am happy to house a friend of Odin's at any time."

But when all eyes had fallen on me expectantly, waiting for me to say something to him too, I couldn't even cough out a single syllable - gradually, as more time passed, I was able see that his grin began turning quite awry as well, and at one point he tapped the cheerful Odin on the shoulder discreetly.

"Hey, Odin...it's fine, we already know each other."

Odin looked so extremely shocked, he exaggeratedly stood still with eyes wide open and faced Niles with his eyebrows furrowed.

"You know each other already?! What a shocking revelation!! You must tell us how you had met!!"

As much I did not want to have anything to do with him at that moment, I shared a knowing look with him - none of us wanted to get into complex explanations about our pasts now, especially as our relationship wasn't in the best state. We didn't say anything at all as Leo and Odin observed us very closely, looking for warning signs and symbolic gestures in our ambiguous behaviour.

Suddenly, Leo stood up and walked over towards the couch and myself.

"Kamui, would you like to go and borrow some clothes?"

"Clothes?"

It took me a while to understand Leo's motives, but understanding that he'd been letting me escape this extremely awkward situation was a blessing. Therefore, I nodded at his proposition and allowed myself to be eagerly pulled off the couch by my sleeve, and taken to Leo's room.

When Leo shut the door, I defeatedly sat on his bouncy bed.

"Big Brother Kamui - what was that all about?"

I dismissed his question with a flick of my hand, and I was happy to discover that he wasn't so desperate for gossip as to pry further.

Soon, majority of the contents of his wardrobe were laid out on the fluffy purple carpet, as we both cycled through every single interesting pile. This was a long-established tradition - Leo wasn't much younger than me and we were always very similar in size, if not the same when it came to a few clothing brands - therefore, our wardrobes had often been shared, especially in adolescence and right then. It was a habit to come over to each other's houses and exchange clothes - I found it a great habit because that meant we had an excuse to see each other very often and also keep our wardrobes regularly fresh. It was also very adorable to see my little brother wear some bright clothing, which definitely did not suit his demonic style.

And neither did I look too great in his "funeral suits".

I'm not kidding - most of his apparel was black, or at least a colour very close to black but not quite to be called so. But that was nitpicking, really - if I were to describe his shelves with one word? "Dark". Two words? "Seriously dark".

"Leo, I don't- I don't think I look so presentable in these", I grimaced as I twirled in a pair of black leggings, black socks and black trainers in front of my brother. He seemed to be considering my words for a seconds, but then he just shrugged it off.

"Honestly, you're overreacting. You look brilliant. There's just one thing...oh! Found it."

Suddenly, he pulled out a tshirt out of one of the piles with a confident smile, and handed it to me. When I unfolded the tshirt, I was disappointed to look at it and notice that it was literally the same when compared to the twenty other tshirts he had convinced me to perhaps try on in the last half hour. I still kept my white hoodie on, however, unable to give up my metaphorical purity for one of Leo's shady attire.

"Leo - not to be rude or anything, but - this tshirt looks exactly the same like the ones you gave me earlier. They're all black--"

"Shh, Kamui - don't complain and just put it on."

Although, I was also unable to resist my baby brother's demands - therefore, with a gentle shrug of my shoulders, I promptly took off my hoodie. I was in the progress of pulling on one of Leo's tops when I noticed that Leo's eyes had been strangely resting beneath my neck.

"Leo? Is something up?"

"...What are those weird marks on your neck, Kamui?"

Once I touched the aforementioned area with my own hand, I understood all his concerns - suddenly, all of the traumatic memories from yesterday had flooded back into my mind, rewinding the situation over and over again until my eyes were very close to tearing up and my mind to shutting down.

But before I were given a chance to react, a knock had sounded on Leo's doors and someone had walked in to save me.

"Leo, Odin wants to speak with you right now."

"Really? Oh...well, Kamui, we'll finish the wardrobe sort sometime later, alright?"

I didn't have a chance to nod before Leo left the room, and Niles had stepped inside slowly - as I felt him getting closer, my panicked senses flared up and I wanted to conceal my bare chest before he thought of doing anything harmful to me.

However, I was pleasantly surprised to see that he didn't attempt to face me or even try to get a peek.

"Are you not going to look at me?"

"No. Not until you look decent. I have honour, y'know, I won't look at you when you're in such a state if you clearly don't want me to."

When I had finally pulled on my own hoodie, I felt very safe and secure in its warmth, even if he was a few steps away. We stood there, in the middle of a tidy room, between a few bookshelves and a clean desk, and a bed. In total silence.

"Are you feeling better?"

I didn't try replying. I continued to stand there, my mind feeling too conflicted to elicit a response from my vocal chords, which had been too muddled up to voice even a single thought. My tongue was too twisted to formulate as much of a "no" or a "yes".

Therefore, I didn't reply. And for a while, he didn't say a thing either.

"Can I look at you now?"

"...Yes."

When he turned around, I felt his eyes widen by the time he took my entire posture in - he looked so, could I say 'enamoured'? It sounds impossible, especially after such a significant incident, but he seemed completely enamoured when his eyes scanned every part of my being. 

For some reason, I felt so naked in front of him, despite being fully clothed - I felt so bizarrely exposed, it was as if he could see right through me.

"Y-You look great."

"That's irrelevant. You do know that, if not your one-off lusty episode, then maybe things for us wouldn't be looking so bitter and tasteless for both of us right now?"

His admiring surprise disappeared to be replaced by a grimace.

"I know."

"That's simply excellent. I'm happy that you understand your mistake. Farewell."

When I got ahold of my bag, there were only a few excuses as well as steps separating me from the exit of Leo's flat. It didn't take me long to voice my reasons - I was really busy, I had an assignment, I needed to help out a friend - the list was endless, even though the real one was just the discomfort I felt in Niles' presence. As I was about to leave, the aforementioned man dashed into the foyer to stop me from leaving so fast.

"Kamui! How about I take you home?"

"No, thank you - you can keep your nice gestures for someone more gullible than I. Goodbye."

And I slammed the door in his face, finally having the opportunity to flee from the utter unseasiness that he had been forcing me to feel. On the way home, all of my unpleasant thoughts were able to be traced back to Niles, and what Niles did the day before - he was disgusting, I found him disgusting, and I couldn't believe he felt no shame for what he did. Not only that, he assumed that my opinion of him after such an incident would be swayed with a simple shallow compliment that took zero effort to construct. I was furious, upset, fatigued - the list of mixed feelings went on as I walked back home in the light of the gloomy evening, my eyes concentrated on my shoes but anything else.

As I stormed back to the main door of the block, I decided to glance back at my favourite tree. It looked just as tall and proud as it used to be in the morning - even in the foreign illumination of the pitch-black darkness, it still managed to look just as menacing as before, if not more than that.

However, there was a single detail that bothered me so much, I couldn't help but inspect the tree from all angles.

In a rush of panic, I began to circle the tree, glancing at every single branch and twig and withering leaf. Then, I suddenly saw the alarming sign - a rather tall heel of a glistening brown boot stared down at me from the top branch, and suddenly a familiar heavy feeling enveloped me. It clasped on my throat and made it difficult to breathe. I was backing away from the tree, but before I could flee, he looked at me.

Straight into my eyes. He wasn't smiling.

"Kamui."

He said my name. Of all things he could have said, of all reasons he could have given, of all arguments he could have raised, he said my name.

"N-Niles."

I tried to sound brave and serious, but I felt so frail and afraid under his glance. I had been wanting to man up, take life by its reins and adjust it to my liking, get over what happened - but I couldn't.

He remained on top of the huge branch, sitting against the tree's bark and showing zero emotion.

"I saved you. Again."

That surprised me - I wasn't expecting him to be so assertive in this dire situation. But as much as I hated him, I did have to agree with him. He saved me, again. 

"You did save me."

After five minutes of waiting, I understood that he was waiting for something very specific from me - and therefore I whispered it into the night.

"Thank you."

In seconds, he simply slid off the branch, and landed on the pavement on his two feet as if he just did not drop from a tree the height of a four storey block. At that moment one would have thought he was a cat to have landed on his legs, unaffected by the fall - I just thought he was an extreme weirdo. He took a few steps towards me, his face unchanging.

"No problem."

The feeling of panic was slowly rising within me due to the distance between us, but I stood my ground - soon, his lips reverted to a clever smirk, and his arms rested in front of his chest in an expecting pose.

"So...have you forgiven me yet?"

That question made me abandon all reason and my eyes water. It was the sentence that took me over the edge.

What was he thinking?

"Forgiven you so fast? For playing with my feelings, ruining my first date and assaulting me in my own home?"

I wish my fist could have connected with his face once more. I wanted to see him hurting, in pain for what he did. From his pretentious and careless stance, I could have clearly seen that he bore no affection for me anymore. It's like he was there to just play with my feelings for his own sick satisfaction. There was no love, no care. Just arrogance.

"Are you implying that I should just let all of this go and pretend everything is perfectly fine?"

"Why not, Kamui?"

"Why not, Kamui?! Do you ever listen to yourself? Can you be reasonable for once?!"

"I'm reasonable at all times, honey. You're the one who has high-ass expectations for someone who can't match them."

I was at a loss for words. What was he trying to say? This argument was slowly spiralling out of control, and I wasn't able to keep up with his demanding mindgames.

"I...I don't understand what you have said. I honestly wish we could have been friends, but it seems like you aren't eager to agree with me on that. Instead, you try to waste every single chance I've given you, and there have been several."

"Oh, but Kamui, can't you see? I care for you more than anyone else."

"No, Niles. I've said it once, and I'll repeat it for the good of your simplistic thought process. You only care about yourself. You only do things if they largely benefit you. You have not an ounce of consideration in your body for me."

"Maybe not consideration, but my body has several more...interesting attributes for you to see."

I could not believe my own ears. Even though he knew I've never felt such emotional pain as I did at that moment, even though he damn well knew how badly I was going through this situation, he still decided to pull the innuendo card on me nonetheless. That was too much.

"Alright, that is it. This is it. I'm going home. Goodnight Ni-"

I was leaving. I was a few steps away from my block, a few seconds away from safety, a few breaths away from comfort, and therefore a few thoughts away from him. But he managed to catch the sleeve of my hoodie, and he held onto it. He held onto it with such force, he managed to pull me back towards himself until I was face-to-face with him.

Our noses were almost touching - as uncomfortable this closeness was, I was very interested in his aquamarine eyes, which shined with something I have never seen in him.

Remorse.

I was sure that in another timeline, one without his dumb mistakes and my determination, we may have been lovers. We may have been a very happy pair of men in love, happy with what we found and experienced together, eager to continue living on not as two people but as one eternal union. Perhaps even until death do us part. We would have bought a little house in the calmest district of Nohr, acquired a few cats, severed contact with just about anyone and lived there, in that little house, somewhere too far away for anyone to bother us with their problems. We would have lived there, and spent our days together on just relaxing in the garden, on leading funny conversations together on the olive green living room couches, on giggling and tickling each other until our sides began to hurt - and in the evening, we would have lied together in bed, our bare shoulders touching, hands enclasped in each other's grasp, whispering just how much we cannot live without one another. And then we would sleep in each other's embrace, dreaming of happiness and bliss and the fact that if ever woke up, we would not wake up alone. We would never wake up alone again.

"Niles, do you want my love?"

Although his eyes widened, but his expression remained as foreignly dark as earlier. Implicitly, he was trying to conceal his emotion.

"I do. I want your love."

Now that I look back on it, he did look slightly eager - his hands were visibly suppressing the need to embrace me, his nose was twitching and his teeth seemed to be chattering almost unnoticeably. Now that I look back on it, he clearly did desire my love - he wanted to love me, sincerely and truly, with his body and soul, devoting himself to me and me only, sharing me with no one else. 

But I wanted to see real evidence of his love.

"Then you'll have to earn it."

"Hm? Earn it? And how, do you suggest, I may be able to do that?"

"There are many ways...all I want is to see that you really do care for me. I want to see evidence, for I have none now. Prove to me that you love me, Niles."

"Prove? I do have a few...methods in mind--"

Before his lips could get too close to mine for comfort, I lightly pushed his face away with a disapproving glare - he seemed to understand what I was trying to get across, immediately uttering a little cough of distraction and retaining his previous distance from me. We were back to building a wall between each other - but I was alarmed at how easily he'd be able to climb over it, both literally and metaphorically.

"By a few methods, I meant...what about an apology, first off?"

I paused for a second - I needed to reconsider my emotions and plan my move on this battlefield. Should I let him say sorry? Maybe, perhaps I'd relieve him from some of the guilt. Should I forgive him after that? I did not want to let him off the hook so fast, or he'd break our hearts someday once again...he wouldn't learn. One thing I learned about life when living under Garon's strict rules and iron fist is that, life is supposed to teach you how to progress in it, but that is only if you are allowed to make mistakes. Therefore, if I were to completely forgive Niles for this, he wouldn't have learned anything from it, and this would only repeat again and again.

I knew I couldn't allow him to hurt me like this anymore. I had to be assertive.

Therefore I had to reinforce this lesson as best as I possibly could.

After all, he looked so hopeful, this unsure smile plastered on his face, his hands somewhat itching to shake mine and say sorry.

What did I have to lose?

"Alright...Niles, I shall listen to what you have to say."

In seconds, he released a very stressful puff of air and took a step towards me.

"Look, Kamui, I know we have been off to a rocky start."

In response, I released a great puff of air which expressed my frustration at his cliché approach, telling him to wrap it up if he was going to continue like so. I was happy to see his expression sour, which meant that he understood the message.

"I really want to start again. From the beginning. Like nothing had happened."

"That's a ridiculous demand. You, having harmed me so much, and my loved ones as well, are now requesting me to act like nothing had happened?"

He shook his head in mild annoyance.

"Yes, I know what I did. But don't you think that you could allow me to...make up for my mistakes?"

"Make up for them?"

He took another step towards me, and in seconds we were almost face to face - he greedily grabbed my two hands and enveloped them in his own.

It was a warm and fuzzy feeling, I have to confess - like butterflies.

"Yes. I want you to see how much I care for you. I want you to appreciate me as a friend and companion."

I smiled at his serious grimace - just friends? No romantic subtext? No coercing into sex or the like? It seemed strange that he would give up such an opportunity, as he was not the one to pass up such a valuable chance in the past. His words felt very strange to me - but maybe that's how I felt because they weren't driven by lust, but sincerity.

Or so I thought.

"Just friends? Wow, where has the old Niles gone?"

"Are you implying that I'm a mindless sex machine?"

Rather than giving him a reply he perhaps didn't want to hear, I gave him a devilish smile instead - once he understood that my implication was, in fact, just what he had thought, Niles just looked plain surprised and lightly struck my shoulder with his fist. His lips were arranged in a babyish pout.

"Kamui, please stop bullying me for once."

"I'm bullying you? I'm bullying you?! Have you forgotten how much you had been bullying me over the last couple of--"

"Shhhh-- babe, I know."

A finger was drawn upon my lips to silence them, and then I realized that the moment had become so intimate. Two young men standing in front of a quiet block, under a tree, nothing around us but the sounds of the cicadas' nightly orchestras. No living soul nearby but the two of us, standing face to face, hands touching and close and warm, hearts beating in unison so fast that our ears had been blocked from hearing even the sounds of our own breathing. Stress rising in our minds, heat rising in our cheeks, and eyes rising until they meet - and then all feelings are apparent, for the eyes are the windows to one's soul. We are exposed. We allow each other to look inside, take the gold and flee instantly. We allow each other to look, deeply and meaningfully, with a smile, and in silence, communicate a million things that no amount of words could quite encompass.

"W-Wow."

"Hm?"

"I mean - wow, this really feels like a sappy love scene."

"Oh, does it?"

When his laughter rung out, I thought my knees would give in right then and there - despite all of his mistakes, I still loved him like crazy. Perhaps it had been the infatuation with his angelic eyes, the adoration for his Greek God's physique - whatever it may have been, I loved him. I wanted him to take me right then, and kiss me until we'd both run out of breath, and then look into each other's eyes and giggle awkwardly because I had just kissed Niles and Niles had just kissed me. It wouldn't have been a blissful dream, or wishful thinking, but cheerful reality.

I wanted him to kiss me - then I wanted him to kiss me more than anything, under the light of the moon and the shade of the big tree.

Therefore, I stepped so close to him until our faces were almost touching - and I just stared at him with a determined expression. I thought he looked mildly confused about my behaviour until one of my hands escaped his grasp and snaked behind his neck. So did the other one, then he understood and dealt similarly with his own hands. We were in each other's half-embrace. We were ecstatically happy. We were ready.

In seconds, I felt his minty breath settle on my skin.

And just as he was about to initiate the kiss, I gently placed my finger upon his lips.

I grinned evilly at his confused features, and seductively whispered-

"Oh, Niles, my darling - if only there was someone who loved you."

I gracefully wiggled out of the half-hug, turned around and crept towards the apartment block's main entrance.

"First, earn my love. You can only misuse for your benefit the love that actually exists!" - I shouted at the shadowy figure veiled by the night sky.

And I left upstairs, slamming the door and mentally praising myself for giving the scoundrel a taste of his own medicine.

It was only when I decided to lie down on the couch in the living room that I managed to notice the little pristine white feather shivering on the coffee table, waiting for its owner to finally come home and settle in with his warmest affection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big big thank you to fadedredscarf, EAter, K01, Eagles_and_Dragons, licoriceerlif, DrawingGamer777, attack_on_ravioli, zelosno, Mda, feweebtrash, Teffla, thedeerlord, nikkiroyaltii, and OneNightInBangCock as well as 41 guests who left kudos on this fic!!  
> As well as that, thank you to Red, zelosno, SUS, DrawingGamer777, WWRoyman4, Lucy Kirkpatrick, nikkiroyaltii, fadedredscarf and JessieSimpon69 for leaving comments on this work!!  
> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, please do leave comments/kudos if so!!  
> Until the next update - toodles!! :D


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